10. Being a Good Listener

We began this session with an old but very funny video clip from the Two Ronnies. It underlines the fact that you can both be speaking the same language but be talking past each other, eg asking for "Fork Handles" was heard as "Four Candles". But sensitive, empathetic, concentrated listening, to discover what people are really trying to communicate, is essential in an effective mentoring relationship (John Mallison, p29) 

In his popular book  Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,  Stephen Covey lists Habit 5 as Seek first to Understand.  He says: 

"If you're like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you're listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating."

Seek first not to be understood, but to understand.We will never understand unless we listen well. Interestingly most of the parables of Jesus conclude with the refrain “Let anyone who has ears, listen.” Each of the letters to the seven churches in the book of Revelation ends with "Anyone who has ears, listen to what the spirit is saying." And the letter of James says “Let everyone be quick to listen and slow to speak.” what food advice. We have two ears and one mouth. Jesus' parable of the sower stresses that the seeds that failed to grow stood for those who had not properly heard God's message. 

Personal growth often comes about because we experience this kind of listening. Mallison says "When someone gives us their undivided attention while we are speaking, and then through their thoughtful feedback prove they have understood what we have said, we are made to feel significant. We feel we matter to this person and they care about us and love us. When we really hear another person without passing judgement or trying to take responsibility, without trying to mould them, it relaxes them, builds confidence and trust and enables the release of deep feelings, despair and confusion. It enables a person to re-perceive their world in a new way."  

We brainstormed on to the whiteboard the important aspects of good listening, often called active listening. Here are the kind of responses we heard:

• user-friendly environment - think about noise, light, seating position, personal space.
• body language - receptive posture, eye contact, natural gestures, nodding
• open questions - invite the mentoree to say more than a one word answer, eg not did you go to the gym today but how is it going with the fitness plan?  
• encouragers - mmms and aaaahs, yeah, okay - these show emotional support. Use words that will invite them to continue: Tell me more, Let's talk about it.
• paraphrases - put what they said in your own words to test understanding and let them know they have been heard. Doesn't necessarily mean you agree; said with an 'implied question mark'.
• perception check  - is a more explicit way of doing this. "I think  I heard this; is that what you said/meant?"
• read between the lines: - be alert for things that have been left unsaid or for cues to the speaker's true feelings. Naming/clarifying those feelings is important in good listening 
• description - noticing behaviour such as tears, sighs, sitting forward on chair
• mirroring - adopting body postures, positions and movements that are similar to the speaker allow them to relax and open up more. Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person.
• affirmation - give positive feedback, but not to the point it sounds patronising.
• summary - especially at end of session, clarifies and integrates what has been covered
• allow for silence - this is often thinking time for the mentoree

That last point is picked up in an online article about Being a Good Listener.  The contributors say: "Stop talking!....One of the biggest obstacles to listening, for many people, is resisting the impulse thoughts. Many listeners think that empathy means sharing our own similar experiences. Both of these can be helpful, but they are easily abused. Put aside your own needs, and wait for the other person to talk at their own pace... active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily, and await appropriate breaks in the conversation for summarizing. "

An out of print training resource I have on my shelf uses this little trinity: Focus Guess and Check. (Cynthia Mellon, Friends and Beginnings, p) 

1. Focus – on the person, not on your mental baggage. Use few words sparingly.
2. Guess – after listening carefully, try and express your own idea of their underlying feelings.
3. Check  - their words and reactions to see if you have got it right. Use ‘I’ messages.
   If not, say so. Try again or ask for clarification.

Another way of saying this is "Make it Explicit!" Read between the lines and then describe what you think you have observed. If you are wrong they will tell you, verbally or in body language. Summarising what the speaker is saying and restating it in your own words  will reassure them that you have truly been listening, and allow them to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions.  Focus Guess and check is a good strategy to use  when the mentor finds themselves getting frustrated or restless. 

Our next session looked at Roadblocks to Communication - what not to do!

Quote of the Day:

A wise old owl lived in an oak, 

The more he saw the less he spoke

The less he spoke the more he heard.

Why can't we all be like that wise old bird? 

(unknown)

How good a listener are you right now? 
What steps could you take to develop a more helpful approach?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.