A great new book on Listening

Lynne Baab's excellent book came out last year, and in July I wrote a review of it for a local minister's journal. Somehow it never got published, but the book is such a great resource for mentors I decided to post it here:

“Listen carefully; speak gently”. These words of advice are Rev Dr Lynne Baab’s gift to her readers as she guides us through a comprehensive examination of the power of listening in human relationships and faith communities. Baab, who teaches pastoral theology at Otago University, introduces her findings from over sixty in-depth interviews in a blend of academic insights and practical theology, and offers suggestions as to how we can more effectively listen to each other and to God.

The usual applications of listening skills to effective pastoral care and thoughtful Bible study are covered well, but Baab takes us deeper by examining how listening contributes to effective mission and ministry. In a chapter on congregational decision-making, she writes about churches characterised by a culture of discernment, where:

“Listening to God is emphasised in sermons, practised at meetings, modelled by....leaders and encouraged for all members.” P 75.

Our own church is focussing on faith conversations this year, so this book arrived at a time of personal openness to new wisdom in matters of listening and communication. Like many congregations today, we are seeking to make authentic connections with people in church and neighbourhood through sensitive listening to, and respect for, individual stories. Baab makes a realistic assessment of the impact of culture and technology on efforts to communicate in today’s society, and offers thorough and practical explanation of ways listening enhances relationships with God and others. “Listening”, she says, “honours each person’s journey.” (p49)

Captivating notions such as “double listening”, “holy curiosity” and “listening as hospitality” are well-explained, and grounded in both theory and example. The familiar roadblocks to communication are helpfully reframed as ‘obstacles to empathy’. Baab’s  illustrations of how anxiety and humility impact good listening are memorable; I often felt like I was looking in a mirror as she named my own experiences of listening and hearing. Chapter 8, “The Listening Toolbox” is a succinct and evocative guide that could well be published separately as a useful parish training resource.

I appreciated the way each chapter is linked with others in the book; this integration is explicit and helps the reader navigate the oceans of engaging information.  Connections are made with relevant literature and research, as well as with Baab’s other books, such as her  exploration of spiritual practices in congregations,  Joy Together (2012).  Her academic background in communication studies comes through clearly, but not in an intimidating way; the whole book is very inviting and readable. Writing about spiritual practices and authenticity, she says:

“(These practices) indicate our willingness to listen, to abide and to be available to whatever God is doing in our situation…fasting communally makes possible rich conversations about (addictive) habits,   and powerful prayers about how to respond. Those conversations and prayers nurture authenticity.  Praying using the body in various ways  also nurtures authenticity because the body, soul and spirit are united and we approach God with our whole selves. Contemplative prayer encourages authenticity because we draw near to God with our inner being. When communities engage in spiritual practices together, members are able to talk with each other.. .. this feels real and honest, building trust that God does empower those who open themselves.”  (p 104)

The questions at the end of each chapter are designed for individuals rather than groups; they range ‘deep and wide’ and offer valuable reflection points for a workshop or retreat. Adapting them for group study would be an excellent way to plumb further depths of this material.

A few minor criticisms – some typos early in the book were distracting and the absence of an index was surprising. The role of listening in relation to charismatic gifts might have widened the audience, and as a minister I would have liked even more specific coverage of how congregations have exercised discernment as part of their decision-making. That said, l enjoyed this book and would recommend it to a wide audience; certainly one for the church library (but leaders can buy it on Kindle!)

Baab, L. (2014). The Power of Listening: Building Skills for Mission and Ministry. Lanham, MD: Rowman and Littlefield. (around NZ $20.00 plus postage from Amazon, $12.00 on Kindle).

18. A Suggested Mentoring Template

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 - 2014. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

The first couple of times we meet with a potential mentoree, the agenda  will be building rapport, and will be determined by details such as how well you  already know each other. You will develop rapport by asking an open question like 'Tell me about yourself', and identify expectations by asking 'How do you think I can help you?' Then if everything looks positive you will agree on a time frame and how you will keep track of issues, eg through reflective writing in a mentoring journal. 

However in on-going sessions it might be useful to have a template to follow, so focus is maintained and time is used efficiently. The  one we used in our training programme is a blend of several I’ve looked at, and it is only a guide; you can work out what is best in your own context. The name, given first by our mentoring champion John Mallison, is a bit cheesy; its called the GLADWRAP template because it is intended to wrap around and protect. I've amended his version but the basic intention is the same.

a) Greet - using the person's name acknowledges their identity, and boosts self-esteem. Make sure you know the name they want you to use and how pronounce it correctly. Remember that the person's name is a part of who they are. Using their name is like handling the person, so be careful with it.

b) Listen/share problems - ask how has it gone since you last met, "what's on top?", what needs attention. Watch body language, and note if it doesn’t match their words.

c) Affirm - give some positive feedback on what has been shared, looking for evidence of their strengths and encouraging them about anything positive they have achieved.

d) Decide attention/agenda – decide if you will continue with an issue already introduced or if there is something new the mentoree wants to bring. This helps keep to time, and ensures the meeting is focussed on what they want to work on. As time goes on the mentoree will develop their skill in knowing what they want to talk about.

e) Work/Time – at the very least you will want to talk about two key aspects of daily life, how they spend their time (which may or may not be in paid employment) and who they regularly connect with. Some mentorees will need leading questions to draw them out on these two areas. The first one could include matters like finding your passion/gifts, as well as practical issues like going for a job interview or studying for an exam.

f) Relationships – this second aspect could include family of origin, marriage or romance, work colleagues and bosses, church family and clubs/hobbies. Where connection is causing stress or concern is more important than where things are going smoothly.

g) Action Plan – identifying various options and choosing where to start. If you can think of something they didn’t come up with, offer it cautiously, eg 'have you thought about …', 'is there anything you could you do differently…..?' The key is to get a commitment to their own goals, not some imposed by you. You can also agree on an interim goal for the time between meetings. Preferred activities can be made dependent on lesser preferred, eg no Facebook until homework done, do dishes before TV. Some example goals are - Get Fit, Get Help, Treat Yourself.

h) Prayer/God factor - your own attitude of prayer before and after the meeting is important, but within the meeting, as discussed in Post 8, you need to handle this one sensitively.  It is better to pray silently if you aren’t sure. But there may also be your chance to model a simple conversational prayer style that will demonstrate spiritual authenticity. One youth group videoed themselves  in an amusing but frighteningly life-like demonstration of  How Not to Pray for Someone. 

The STRENGTHS  acronym in the peer support resource by Cynthia Mellon (p 73) gives eight headings that could also be used:

1. Share problems, 
2. Think Positively, 
3. Relax Body and Mind, 
4. Express Emotions, 
5. Note Past Successes, 
6. Get Fit, Treat Yourself, 
7. Help Others 
8. Get Help

Three kinds of questions will elicit reflection:

• Response Questions - what do you think? How do you feel?
• Action Questions – what are you going to  do next?
• Spiritual questions – where is God in this?

Finally, don't be afraid of periods of silence during the conversation. "Being silent while the other is talking gives assurance of love and acceptance and a sense of warmth and dignity. It facilitate openness and trust. Silence allows the speaker to gather their thoughts, to regain composure, to reflect, and to be aware of your supportive presence. It has equal benefit for the listener. Love is often most real in silence." (Mallison, Mentoring to Develop Disciples and Leaders, 2004, p 135)

Quote of the Day: 

"Mentoring is to support and encourage people to manage their own learning in order that they may maximise their potential, develop their skills, improve their performance and become the person they want to be." 

(Eric Parsloe, The Oxford School of Coaching & Mentoring)  

If spoken prayer was not appropriate with your mentoree, 

how else could you finish a session? 

Why is a clear end point needed? 

13. Good Questions – Eliciting Reflection

The skill of asking good questions is a great catalyst in a mentoring relationship. John Mallison says they get the mentoree thinking for themselves, and build confidence as they have an active and not a passive role. They enable you to gather useful information, clarify issues, encourage reflection, and promote future action. 

Good Questions are part of the Cycle of Adult Learning. Apprenticeships are based on this approach, and it was used by Jesus. The cycle is based on the premise that every area and circumstance of life provides an environment for learning, for adults as much as children. Adult educators often refer to this reflection by reference to the work of David Kolb, who described the process as a circle, the learning cycle. 

A child experiences the learning cycle every day of their life.  First we have an experience - the child touches the stove and feels the pain. Then there is reflection - they associate this pain with the stove and think about the connection. Then comes the stage called forming a rule – they establish the idea that stoves  hurt if you touch them. And then they test this out in reality. They avoid hot stoves, and do not suggest further pain. After a while they may cautiously put their hand out to check if the rule is correct.  Experience-based learning in the adult world is often called reflective practice. As we reflect on our experiences, we work out what to repeat and what to change. We reality-test our plan, to see if our rule works. If it turns out badly, we may not do it again but we have still learned something. Life is a series of such experiences, reflections, theories and experiments. Children amass them by the hundreds as they grow, but we keep on learning into adult life as we develop and mature. The cycle gets repeated over and over, in a spiral of learning, where we reflect and change as a result of learning. 

So the four cycle stages are:
• Revisit our experiences
• Analyse what was happening
• Identify behaviour, ideas and feelings.
• Affirm the positive aspects; explore how to remove the negative aspects.
Mentoring is, at heart then, a form of experience-based learning, involving a conscious effort to process and learn from experiences.   Kolb also theorised that people also learn in different ways. Some like reading/writing, others to talk it out; still others would prefer a  tactile hands-on approach. Mentorees should reflect on what way they learn best, and give feedback.

A mentor can enhance learning by using good questions, as Jesus did. The best questions are Open Questions, that cannot be answered with a Yes or a No. At first we will have used empathetic listening, but in time we need to move into empowering listening. Empowering questions help the mentoree begin to reach their own conclusions about the concerns or issues being raised. Don't probe in a way that makes them defensive; aim to use questions that elicit a constructive response. Alan Pease, the Australian Communications expert  explains how to draw a person out with names, compliments and good questions. Good questions often use the five interrogatives:  How? When? What? Why? and Who? We can also alternate between Thinking - what do you think? - and Feeling - how do you feel? questions, as well as using action questions – what are you going to do next? - and spiritual questions – where is God in this situation?

We shared a handout (originally from Carey Baptist College) of High Impact Questions  that have been found helpful in allowing conversations to go deeper, and bring  insights to the person answering the questions. We know we have asked such a question when there is a pause and the mentoree says, “I’m going to have to think about the answer to this one.”  

Asking Good Questions

Looking at a problem…

• What do you think is the problem?

• What do you think is the cause of this problem?

• How long has this been true for you?

• What have you done so far to address this problem? Have any of those solutions worked for you?

Thinking about the problem…

• Do you think that you might be causing a part of the problem?

• What have you learned about your approach?

• What's the best thing that can happen for you?

• What's the worst that can happen to you? What do you think are your alternatives?

Thinking about the answers…

• What result do you want to achieve?

• What could you do that might lead to that “best case scenario”?

• What problems or obstacles might occur that would prevent that result?

• What can you do that might avoid problems or obstacles?

• Are there any alternative routes you could take to that same result?

• Which of your alternatives is most likely to lead to that result?

• How will you start the process?

• What will you do if the first plan does not work as well as you expect?

• What resources do you have that can help?

• How can I help you succeed?

Quote of the Day:
 Mentors can encourage young people to talk about their fears, dreams, and concerns. Staying neutral and not judging, but rather, sharing your own values, is important in listening. The other adults in the young person’s life may not have the time, interest, or ability to listen, or they may be judgmental. 

Remember, a mentor may be the ONLY adult in a youth’s life who listening.

(from a youth mentoring resource)

Is there a young person in your family, workplace or church who needs someone to listen? 

How can  you find empowering ways to draw out their fears, dreams and concerns? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

12. Role-plays of a Mentoring Conversation

The best way to test out your developing communication skills is by playing the role of mentor or mentoree in a safe training environment. We did this in Session Two of our Mentor Training by dividing into groups of four and practising conversations between a mentor and mentoree. We used the same scenario for both role-plays, with one version having a “mentor” who displayed poor listening/communication skills. In the second role-play, the “mentor” modelled effective listening and communication. Each group then chose one of their plays to present to the wider group. 

First, an example scenario was first used to demonstrate the concept. John was mentoring "Peter"  a student who is struggling financially and in conflict with his parents:

1) Poor Listening and Communicating
John:  Hi Pete, good to see you again
Peter:  Hi.
John: How’s your week been?
Peter: OK.
John: Just OK? I would have thought a young guy like you would have had a great week.
Peter: Well we've had uni exams.
John: I can remember what that’s like. It used to be pretty intense. Swot half the night and then the kids would go mad in the “Kiwi” or the “Big I” when it was all over.
Peter: Well I've got a few complications …
John: Yeah life is a bit more complex now. What have you got planned for the holidays?
Peter: Nothing much.
John: Will you get a job? You’ll need some money to keep that student loan down. I've warned you about the dangers of borrowing too much at your age.
Peter: Yeah but that’s just it…
John: A good holiday job is the answer… I’ll have a talk to some mates in business and get you sorted.
Peter: Well I’ve got to get the exams done first. And I’ve got a few issues with Dad. He wants me to help him paint the house while he’s out of work. He’s got to do it this summer but can’t he afford get a painter in. He’s being a bit unreasonable… he knows the money pressure I’m under.
John: Parents can seem a bit unreasonable at your age. Anyway let’s get down to business and sort out some long term life goals.
Peter:Yeah … whatever…    

 2) Better Listening and Communicating
John:  Hi Pete, good to see you again
Peter: Hi.
John: How’s your week been?
Peter: OK.
John: Just OK? What’s been going on this week then?
Peter: We've got uni exams.
John: and you’re under a bit of pressure?
Peter: More than a bit… and this money thing is just adding to it.
John: You’re worried about finances as well the exams.
Peter: Yeah I ran up over a hundred bucks in library fines when got behind on my assignments and if I don’t front with the money by the end of the month my exam results get cancelled.
John: And the whole semester gets wasted. Have you had any thoughts about sorting it out?
Peter: Well I want to get holiday job, if I can, but dad’s nutting off about helping him paint the house. He’s got to do it this summer but can’t afford a painter in while he’s out of work.   He’s being a total idiot … he knows the money pressure I’m under.
John:  No support when you really need it.
Peter: I don’t think he cares about my stuff, it’s all about him losing his job.
John: You want your dad’s support when you need it.
Peter: He doesn’t care about me.
John:  I’m hearing that you feel your dad has abandoned you when you need him.  I think we’ve got two issues to think through here. First let’s talk about some options for getting the library off your back and then we’ll talk about how we might get your dad to see how important it is for you to feel he’s there backing you, even if things are tight financially for him as well. Maybe we can help both of you really back each other up.  Now what ideas have you got for a summer job and maybe I can add some suggestions?

Scenarios for Good Communication/Bad Communication Role Plays 

1) Your mentoree is a single mum aged 21. She has just started polytech because her baby has turned three and can now go to the local church kindy for free, if she goes 5 mornings per week. But the baby has had flu and had to have a week at home. The mum has got behind with her assignments and thinks she might drop out.

2) Your mentoree has been chosen head prefect at the local high school for the coming year. He has been in the first fifteen rugby for 2 years, including the reps last season, and is a key leader in the church youth group. He has just been offered a rugby scholarship to go to an elite College for next year, but he must be a boarder in the high performance rugby class. He is struggling to know what to do.

3) Your mentoree became a Christian about 3 months ago through the Young Life youth worker at College. Old friends are putting pressure on them to come back into their party life style. They did go with them once, last Saturday night, and ended up getting stoned at a friend’s house. They feel very guilty about it.

4) Your mentoree has been in continual trouble (petty theft, tagging, fights) around the community for several years. They dropped out of school 2 years ago, but don't have  a job. Pressure from their Christian parents has led to them agreeing to work with a mentor for 1 year to try to change direction. The parents have told the mentor that their youngster is very good at music, dance and art work. 

5) Your mentoree comes from a very dysfunctional home but through 5 years in your youth group has matured into a fine and able young adult. They want to train as a lawyer and come back into their home community as a legal advisor for at-risk young people. However the parents want them to find a job or go on the dole so as to start paying serious board to help family finances. They have just told him/her that if that doesn't happen they can just move out.

6) Your mentoree is in year 13 and has been playing in the youth band for 3 years at church, as well as on an occasional Sunday morning. However the church worship leader has just said that unless they comes to the mid-week practice, they will have to leave both teams. The mentoree is under pressure at school, because he/she wants to get into architecture school and places are limited, but he/she is also a bit lazy and disorganised.     

After the role-play, we asked participants for feedback and used the responses to add items to our master lists of "good” and “bad listening” l The “mentor” could, for example, be non-supportive by asking, “What did you do wrong? or shut off communication by telling the mentoree what to do instead of listening and helping to draw him out.

We had a lot of fun and every one seemed to enjoy being a bad listener much more than modeling good communications!

Quote of the Day:

The practice of listening is a fundamental characteristic 

of manifesting redemptive relationships in community. 

It is Gods work, for when we learn to listen to our sisters and brothers, 

we welcome them as God does. 

(Dale Ziemer in Treasure in Clay Jars)

How do you "manifest redemptive relationships"? 

Do you think of active listening as the welcoming of God?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

11. Roadblocks to Communication

We had started Week Two of our Mentor Training by thinking about what makes for good communication. We looked at what we say and do, but another way to look at it is to identify what not to say and do. If we flip it around and think about what it is that gets in the way, what puts up a wall, we can identify what Dr Tom Gordon of Parent Effectiveness movement  called the Roadblocks to Communication, the obstacles that hinder two-way traffic. One obvious roadblock is when someone walks away as you are speaking; you feel disappointed and abandoned, but there are some more subtle responses that have the same effect. 

Do any of these sound familiar? 

"Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same way." 
"I had that same thing happen to me." 
"Let me tell you what I did in a similar situation." 

We already mentioned the late Stephen Covey, whose book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People included the fifth habit, first seek to understand  He writes that most of us tend to "listen autobiographically" and then respond in one of four ways:

Evaluating: We judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing: We ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising: We give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting: We analyze others' motives and behaviors based on our own experiences.

Each of these points to a variant of the roadblocks to good listening.

We brainstormed onto a white board again:

• judging
• lecturing
• interrupting
• following own agenda
• telling own stories
• answering/texting on cellphone
• dismissing

We added to these some others that get in the way of deep connection:

1. Advising - which takes away the power of problem solving from the mentoree:  Here's what I think you should do... Let me suggest... Here's the best solution...
2. One-upping - which devalues the mentoree's experience by focusing on something autobiographical: You think that’s bad; let me tell you about my husband..... I felt like that when I won the National Talent Quest...
3. Educating - logic is an good problem-solving tool, but when it is used to block communication it can make the one with the problem feel inferior, or inadequate: Do you realize that... ? Experience tells us that ...   I can recommend a really good book...
4. Analysing - getting to the root of a problem can be helpful, but going too quickly to an underlying motivation circumvents communication that could help the mentoree find their own solution: You are just angry..... You're being paranoid....You have internalized your father’s rages so that any raised voice triggers that old fear.
5. Storytelling - wandering off into personal nostalgia takes the focus off the context at hand: I felt so much worse than that when I overdosed in 1972....Did I ever tell you what I did when my husband came home drunk? 
6. Minimising- communicates to the mentoree that their situation is not as important as they think it is. This blocks the energy for problem solving: Try not to think about it too much....Look at the positive side..... Well, at least he doesn’t hit you the way your father did.
7. Sympathising -  sharing similar feelings, especially in matters of grief and loss, can add to the burden: Oooh that is a horrible way to die... I feel frightened when I hear how angry he gets.
8. Interrogating -takes the problem out of the mentoree's hands and tells them that you are the expert and now in charge:  Why did you do that? So how often does she go into one of those rages? 
9. Reassuring - unrealistic attempts to console and make someone feel better (as compared with genuine affirmation of their strengths): You'll feel better tomorrow....Don't worry God will take care of it...Every dark cloud has a silver lining.
10. Avoiding  - some things do seem to fall into the too-hard basket  but evasion just buries the problem:  This topic is upsetting; let’s talk about something else... You'll soon grow out of feeling like that.
11. Diagnosing - the mentor tells the person what the problem is and how they should be  acting, limiting their ability to sort through the problem themselves: It sounds like you have become codependent... You need to change your thinking about anger...
12. Judging - labelling with messages of disparagement and ridicule are a significant barrier to empowering someone to grow as a person: You really stuffed up on this one.....Someone is a perfectionist....You are talking like an engineer.

Covey notes that some might respond, "Hey, now wait a minute. I'm just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?" In some situations, he says, autobiographical responses may be appropriate, eg, when another person specifically asks for your point of view. But what we mustn't do is interrupt with what we feel or think about the topic. We wait for them to ask our opinion, and even then avoid giving direct advice. We let the mentoree find his or her own way. (If they take our advice and something goes wrong, they will likely blame us, maybe without saying so!)

We summed up this session by looking at a handout on "How to Kill a Conversation": 

• Tell the speaker that the way he or she feels is wrong. “It’s silly to feel that way.”
• Don’t look at the person who is speaking to you.
• Sit slouched over, look distracted, drum your fingers on the table, or use some other body language to signal to the speaker that you’re not really interested.
• While the person is speaking, think about what you’re going to say in reply. It’s not possible to be forming your own words and concentrating on the speaker’s at the same time—so the response you’re planning is unlikely to be very useful.
• Be judgmental and challenging. Ask questions that put your mentoree on the spot: “Why didn’t you do better on the test?” “Why did you say that to her?” “How could you possibly think that?”
• Interrupt the person who is talking. Finish his or her sentences. Tell a long story of your own. (though self disclosure is sometimes appropriate) 
• On the phone – be totally silent, tap your keyboard, or do the dishes.

It is clear that all these obstacles are based on the mentor mistakenly putting their own agenda and needs before that of the mentoree. We reiterated the pattern of Focus, Guess and Check that we had learned earlier (see post 10). 

a. Focus  -  Clear your mind of distractions, agendas, and preconceived ideas. Notice your mentoree’s facial expression, gestures and body language as well as their choice of words. Acknowledge that you are listening by using minimal encouragers - nods, uhum - and          using open-ended questions, like how, why? to demonstrate "respectful curiosity"

b. Guess  - read between the lines to identify underlying feelings,  then paraphrase (restate in your own words) what you think they said, and what feeling was being expressed. Eg ‘you seem sad’. If you have noticed body language, describe it – 'you seem tearful at that idea', 'what was that sigh about?' Try not to pass judgment in loaded questions or your own body language.

c. Check out your understanding by listening to or watching the person’s response. If they seem disappointed or irritated, you may have got it wrong. That’s okay. Make that explicit – 'I don’t seem to have picked that up right' - and ask for clarification. You are trying to stand in their shoes. After a longer conversation try and give a brief summary of what has been expressed. This lets them know you are really interested.

Effective mentoring is about true listening  not just to the words but to the person behind the words.  

In a future post we'll look at The Crowded Room, or the prior concerns and expectations  we take into a mentoring conversation. We need to both recognise and ignore this 'mental baggage', and that is quite an elusive skill.  We may also revisit the session on "How religious should we be, in regards to  appropriate use of the Bible and other faith resources, so as to avoid pat answers and trite theology.  

Quote of the Day:

 “Easy listening exists only on the radio.” 

(David Barkan)

Which of the roadblocks do you recognise as your idiosyncratic weakness?

If you don't know, who could you ask to help you identify it?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

10. Being a Good Listener

We began this session with an old but very funny video clip from the Two Ronnies. It underlines the fact that you can both be speaking the same language but be talking past each other, eg asking for "Fork Handles" was heard as "Four Candles". But sensitive, empathetic, concentrated listening, to discover what people are really trying to communicate, is essential in an effective mentoring relationship (John Mallison, p29) 

In his popular book  Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,  Stephen Covey lists Habit 5 as Seek first to Understand.  He says: 

"If you're like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you're listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating."

Seek first not to be understood, but to understand.We will never understand unless we listen well. Interestingly most of the parables of Jesus conclude with the refrain “Let anyone who has ears, listen.” Each of the letters to the seven churches in the book of Revelation ends with "Anyone who has ears, listen to what the spirit is saying." And the letter of James says “Let everyone be quick to listen and slow to speak.” what food advice. We have two ears and one mouth. Jesus' parable of the sower stresses that the seeds that failed to grow stood for those who had not properly heard God's message. 

Personal growth often comes about because we experience this kind of listening. Mallison says "When someone gives us their undivided attention while we are speaking, and then through their thoughtful feedback prove they have understood what we have said, we are made to feel significant. We feel we matter to this person and they care about us and love us. When we really hear another person without passing judgement or trying to take responsibility, without trying to mould them, it relaxes them, builds confidence and trust and enables the release of deep feelings, despair and confusion. It enables a person to re-perceive their world in a new way."  

We brainstormed on to the whiteboard the important aspects of good listening, often called active listening. Here are the kind of responses we heard:

• user-friendly environment - think about noise, light, seating position, personal space.
• body language - receptive posture, eye contact, natural gestures, nodding
• open questions - invite the mentoree to say more than a one word answer, eg not did you go to the gym today but how is it going with the fitness plan?  
• encouragers - mmms and aaaahs, yeah, okay - these show emotional support. Use words that will invite them to continue: Tell me more, Let's talk about it.
• paraphrases - put what they said in your own words to test understanding and let them know they have been heard. Doesn't necessarily mean you agree; said with an 'implied question mark'.
• perception check  - is a more explicit way of doing this. "I think  I heard this; is that what you said/meant?"
• read between the lines: - be alert for things that have been left unsaid or for cues to the speaker's true feelings. Naming/clarifying those feelings is important in good listening 
• description - noticing behaviour such as tears, sighs, sitting forward on chair
• mirroring - adopting body postures, positions and movements that are similar to the speaker allow them to relax and open up more. Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person.
• affirmation - give positive feedback, but not to the point it sounds patronising.
• summary - especially at end of session, clarifies and integrates what has been covered
• allow for silence - this is often thinking time for the mentoree

That last point is picked up in an online article about Being a Good Listener.  The contributors say: "Stop talking!....One of the biggest obstacles to listening, for many people, is resisting the impulse thoughts. Many listeners think that empathy means sharing our own similar experiences. Both of these can be helpful, but they are easily abused. Put aside your own needs, and wait for the other person to talk at their own pace... active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily, and await appropriate breaks in the conversation for summarizing. "

An out of print training resource I have on my shelf uses this little trinity: Focus Guess and Check. (Cynthia Mellon, Friends and Beginnings, p) 

1. Focus – on the person, not on your mental baggage. Use few words sparingly.
2. Guess – after listening carefully, try and express your own idea of their underlying feelings.
3. Check  - their words and reactions to see if you have got it right. Use ‘I’ messages.
   If not, say so. Try again or ask for clarification.

Another way of saying this is "Make it Explicit!" Read between the lines and then describe what you think you have observed. If you are wrong they will tell you, verbally or in body language. Summarising what the speaker is saying and restating it in your own words  will reassure them that you have truly been listening, and allow them to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions.  Focus Guess and check is a good strategy to use  when the mentor finds themselves getting frustrated or restless. 

Our next session looked at Roadblocks to Communication - what not to do!

Quote of the Day:

A wise old owl lived in an oak, 

The more he saw the less he spoke

The less he spoke the more he heard.

Why can't we all be like that wise old bird? 

(unknown)

How good a listener are you right now? 
What steps could you take to develop a more helpful approach?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.