13. Good Questions – Eliciting Reflection

The skill of asking good questions is a great catalyst in a mentoring relationship. John Mallison says they get the mentoree thinking for themselves, and build confidence as they have an active and not a passive role. They enable you to gather useful information, clarify issues, encourage reflection, and promote future action. 

Good Questions are part of the Cycle of Adult Learning. Apprenticeships are based on this approach, and it was used by Jesus. The cycle is based on the premise that every area and circumstance of life provides an environment for learning, for adults as much as children. Adult educators often refer to this reflection by reference to the work of David Kolb, who described the process as a circle, the learning cycle. 

A child experiences the learning cycle every day of their life.  First we have an experience - the child touches the stove and feels the pain. Then there is reflection - they associate this pain with the stove and think about the connection. Then comes the stage called forming a rule – they establish the idea that stoves  hurt if you touch them. And then they test this out in reality. They avoid hot stoves, and do not suggest further pain. After a while they may cautiously put their hand out to check if the rule is correct.  Experience-based learning in the adult world is often called reflective practice. As we reflect on our experiences, we work out what to repeat and what to change. We reality-test our plan, to see if our rule works. If it turns out badly, we may not do it again but we have still learned something. Life is a series of such experiences, reflections, theories and experiments. Children amass them by the hundreds as they grow, but we keep on learning into adult life as we develop and mature. The cycle gets repeated over and over, in a spiral of learning, where we reflect and change as a result of learning. 

So the four cycle stages are:
• Revisit our experiences
• Analyse what was happening
• Identify behaviour, ideas and feelings.
• Affirm the positive aspects; explore how to remove the negative aspects.
Mentoring is, at heart then, a form of experience-based learning, involving a conscious effort to process and learn from experiences.   Kolb also theorised that people also learn in different ways. Some like reading/writing, others to talk it out; still others would prefer a  tactile hands-on approach. Mentorees should reflect on what way they learn best, and give feedback.

A mentor can enhance learning by using good questions, as Jesus did. The best questions are Open Questions, that cannot be answered with a Yes or a No. At first we will have used empathetic listening, but in time we need to move into empowering listening. Empowering questions help the mentoree begin to reach their own conclusions about the concerns or issues being raised. Don't probe in a way that makes them defensive; aim to use questions that elicit a constructive response. Alan Pease, the Australian Communications expert  explains how to draw a person out with names, compliments and good questions. Good questions often use the five interrogatives:  How? When? What? Why? and Who? We can also alternate between Thinking - what do you think? - and Feeling - how do you feel? questions, as well as using action questions – what are you going to do next? - and spiritual questions – where is God in this situation?

We shared a handout (originally from Carey Baptist College) of High Impact Questions  that have been found helpful in allowing conversations to go deeper, and bring  insights to the person answering the questions. We know we have asked such a question when there is a pause and the mentoree says, “I’m going to have to think about the answer to this one.”  

Asking Good Questions

Looking at a problem…

• What do you think is the problem?

• What do you think is the cause of this problem?

• How long has this been true for you?

• What have you done so far to address this problem? Have any of those solutions worked for you?

Thinking about the problem…

• Do you think that you might be causing a part of the problem?

• What have you learned about your approach?

• What's the best thing that can happen for you?

• What's the worst that can happen to you? What do you think are your alternatives?

Thinking about the answers…

• What result do you want to achieve?

• What could you do that might lead to that “best case scenario”?

• What problems or obstacles might occur that would prevent that result?

• What can you do that might avoid problems or obstacles?

• Are there any alternative routes you could take to that same result?

• Which of your alternatives is most likely to lead to that result?

• How will you start the process?

• What will you do if the first plan does not work as well as you expect?

• What resources do you have that can help?

• How can I help you succeed?

Quote of the Day:
 Mentors can encourage young people to talk about their fears, dreams, and concerns. Staying neutral and not judging, but rather, sharing your own values, is important in listening. The other adults in the young person’s life may not have the time, interest, or ability to listen, or they may be judgmental. 

Remember, a mentor may be the ONLY adult in a youth’s life who listening.

(from a youth mentoring resource)

Is there a young person in your family, workplace or church who needs someone to listen? 

How can  you find empowering ways to draw out their fears, dreams and concerns? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.