14. Affirmation and Encouragement

In this session we were reminded of the importance of helpful words with a quote from John Maxwell: “Remember, man does not live on bread alone; sometimes he needs a little buttering up.” 

Mentors must be encouragers. If a mentoree goes away discouraged, we have failed. There should always be a positive and helpful outcome. There will be times when we will speak firmly, even reprimand, but it must always be from a perspective of grace and hope. 

A fanciful story tells of the devil selling off some of his tools of trade to try to balance his budget! Evil spirits came in their hordes to buy. One alert spirit noticed a very impressive tool, not on the sale table. When he approached a supervisor to see if he could purchase it, he was told rather bluntly that it was one of the devils most effective tools and was definitely not for sale. That tool was Discouragement.

The world is full of discouragers. Not all on the devil's payroll; some people just wear the "black hat" a lot of the time. What we need are more Barnabases (sons and daughters of encouragement). Discouragement is an occupational hazard of followers of Jesus.

Discouraging words  can have a deep effect upon people; there are several reminders of this in the Bible. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Proverbs 18: 21) James tells us: 

It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.  This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

James 3: 5 - 10 Msg)

However affirming words can bring encouragement. "Good words can make the anxious heart glad" (Proverbs 12:25). Eliphas paid Job a great compliment: “Your words have put stumbling people on their feet, put fresh hope in people about to collapse (Job 4: 4 Msg). And the letter to the Hebrews instructs us to "warn each other daily….so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God (Heb 3:13 NLT) and to meet together and "spur each other on, as you see the big Day approaching" (Heb 10:25). 

In pairs, we recalled times when someone used words of discouragement or encouragement in a way that enriched our  life. In what ways did they do this? What effect did it have? Some shared about encouragement in spoken words, others of special letters. We noted the devastating effect that poorly-chosen words can have on us, especially in an email where the body language is not there to show, for example, that a criticism was lighthearted.

Encouragement is love expressed. It is an assurance of commitment to one another. It gives a sense of support, reduces fear, raises morale and gives confidence. Truth has more chance of affecting transformation in relationships where encouragement is practised. 

Some of us knew about the transactional analysis approach to psychology which introduced the notion of strokes, acts/words of  recognition, attention or responsiveness that one person gives another. The key idea is that people hunger for recognition, and that lacking positive attention, will seek whatever kind they can, even if it is negative. Strokes can therefore be positive - "warm fuzzies" - or negative -"cold pricklies"-  nicknames that originated from Claude Steiner's "Warm Fuzzy Tale".  In this story people mistakenly got the idea that there are only a finite number of warm fuzzies in the world and we therefore need to ration them. Its important in our relationships with mentorees, as well as in family workplace and community, that we realise loving affirmation is not a zero-sum game that can only be won if someone else loses.

Quote of the Day:

So the situation was very, very dismal and it all started because of the coming of the witch who made people believe that some day, when least expected, they might reach into their Warm Fuzzy Bag and find no more.

Not long ago, a young woman with big hips came to this unhappy land. She seemed not to have heard about the bad witch and was not worried about running out of Warm Fuzzies. She gave them out freely, even when not asked. They called her the Hip Woman and disapproved of her because she was giving the children the idea that they should not worry about running out of Warm Fuzzies. The children liked her very much because they felt good around her and they began to follow her example giving out Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it.

This made the grownups very worried. They passed a law that made it a criminal offense to give out Warm Fuzzies in a reckless manner or without a license. Many children, however, seemed not to care; and in spite of the law they continued to give each other Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it and always when asked. Because they were many, many children, almost as many as grown ups, it began to look as if maybe they would have their way......The struggle spread all over the land and is probably going on right were you live.

From A Warm Fuzzy Tale by Claude Steiner.

Who gave you a warm fuzzy today?

Who needs  one from you?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.