15. Stages of the Mentoring Cycle

The mentoring life cycle has been described (Hay, Transformational Mentoring,  1995) as having four definable stages, including orientation, nurturing/honeymoon stage, maturing/developing independence stage, and at some time the ending stage. These seasons will influence the questions/themes of the interviews.  It is important for volunteer mentors to recognise the stage they are in and use it to plan the session.  The relationship is not a life sentence and it will come to an end at some stage; optimum timing is thought to be q 12 - 24 months, certainly at least 6 months and not more than 3 years. It is good to agree this beforehand, maybe a three month trial to start, review after 12 months and continue only for another 12 months. Erikson's work on identity found long term mentorees fall out with their mentors in their mid thirties. Why? Because there is a natural life cycle to these things, and people change and grow. There needs to be an endpoint.

Tasks of a mentor differ at each stage of the process: 

1) Beginning. Set the scene – agree the purpose, frequency, and managing boundaries like confidentiality. Discover shared interests and opinions. Identify that there will be differences and that's okay. Talk about hope and expectations. Draw up  a contract or covenant. Agree on time boundaries. Clarify if others will be involved. Recognise nervousness, or uncertainty by structuring semi-formal exercises such a 5 minute life stories or sets of three questions. Be genuine, caring, and open.  Not much work or guidance will happen yet. Bonding and rapport are more important.

2) Growing and developing. Time is given to mentoree telling a more detailed life story. Use crayons to graph life stages, and portray their story. This stage is much more about the mentoree than the mentor; plans and objectives will come from them. Listening and questioning skills will draw them out and begin to identify the real needs; make your conclusions explicit to test out their accuracy.   Friendship  and trust is developing as well as a level of dependence., although there may also be some testing and challenging.  Difficult emotions may emerge. Planned friendship activities will be helpful. 

3) Maturity. The key work is done at this stage, because trust and understanding are well established, and you can implement plans to address needs. Setting weekly expectations will establish accountability, but also encourage your mentoree to become independent by working out these for themselves. Use good probing questions, and appropriate self disclosure now that the mentoree has a good sense of self in your presence. Now you are trusted and known more deeply, your experience and suggestions count. They will increasingly be able to decide what to take and what to leave behind. Be realistic about whether the goals envisioned earlier are being met. Use affirmation and encouragement to celebrate growth, even when some aspirations are not yet fulfilled. Maybe some will be consciously relinquished, eg educational goals that prove unreachable. Hanging out can be a helpful friendship activity here.

4) Winding up. This will have been flagged right from the start. Signposts for it include a sense of closure, and the realisation that needs have been met, or that they don't look like they will be. Not every mentor match is highly successful, but if the relationship ends sooner than expected by the mentor, they should seek some support from a fellow mentor to process understandable emotions. There needs to be honesty about what has been helpful and some closing action or ritual used to mark the finish. Strategies for future problem solving should have been identified along the way but they can be reiterated. 

Quote of the Day:

"Did you know that most of the world’s population never travels more than 100 miles from where they were born in their whole lifetimes? One of the wonderful things about our lives is that they are so multifaceted; we get to travel through time and space in so many ways that we are almost living multiple existences. School, church, sports, hobbies; each component exposes us to a universe of individuals and experiences not possible in the not too distant past.We see more, do more, and pack more into a year than previous generations and individuals from other cultures cover in a lifetime. That’s the good news.

But there is a down side. All this opportunity takes us away from many relationships that in earlier times might have lasted a lifetime. One result is that we all are faced with the experience of closure."

Judy Strother Taylor.

Recall a relationship you have had that ended well.  

Why do you feel it was a good ending? 

Now think about one that wasn't so positive. 

What could have made it a more helpful transition?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 a - 2014. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.