16. Boundaries for Mentoring

A “boundary,” says the dictionary, is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or an extent",  that holds something else either in or out. For example, a woman may have a boundary to only hold hands on a first date. Or a backyard fence creates a boundary to keep our kids and pets safe.   

An illustration: 

Renovations were being done at an intermediate school.  The tall fences that surrounded the playing area were taken down in preparation for replacement the following week.  Typically, the kids would play right out to the fence line, but after the fence was taken down, the kids stayed in the central part of the play area and would not venture within twenty feet of the old boundary. 

Children and adults feel safe when they know exactly what is expected of them 

and where the boundaries are.

One mentor trainer says “boundaries are like safety cones; they tell us why we’re both here and what we’re supposed to be doing together.” Setting boundaries helps us delineate important distinguishing characteristics that set a mentor’s role apart from that of a clinician, peer, or friend.

To start this module of our mentor training, we clarified together what the task of a mentor is and isn’t. 
We noted a mentor is:

1. Not a counsellor, although many of us may use counselling  skills (such as paraphrasing) 

2. Not a psychotherapist, though over time our conversations may dig deep into the past and enable healing

3. Not a preacher, although faith and spirituality may inform our understanding

4. Not a social worker, although we may be of considerable help in setting goals and forming action plans for addressing social problems.

Although a boundary can be clearly marked by a wall or a road, it is never entirely clear exactly where one area ends and the other begins. In a similar way, when we use the word boundaries to describe limits and rules in relationships, some honest judgement is needed to decide which behaviours "cross the line." We offered ideas of times when we need to hand over or let go, for example when there is a medical problem. or when the person is becoming aggressive or clingy. A future post will look at referral, but this module looked at the wider issues of boundaries in the mentoring context. 

For boundaries to be effective they need to be applied on a consistent and ongoing basis.  What issues might present a boundary concern for a mentor?  Examples of two commonly-agreed boundaries are:

• CONFIDENTIALITY - we agree that we will not share information with anyone else, unless safety is an issue, in which case we will tell the mentoree that this is going to happen.
• TOUCHING – we agree that hugging is inappropriate but that we can use words or signs such as highfives to communicate love and acceptance.

John Mallison notes that caring Christians can find boundaries confusing.  They feel God calls us to a sacrificial attitude that always puts the other first. But Paul says there is a balance here: ‘Bear one another’s burdens’ (Gal 6:2)  and ‘all should carry their own loads’ (Gal 6:5).    ‘Burden’ - beyond our normal ability to carry.  ‘Load’ - what is manageable. The mentor needs to note what is manageable for themselves as well as the load the mentoree can carry. What are the signs to look out for?  A US-based mentoring initiative for high school students says in its 'Ongoing Training' manual that "When I  am feeling angry, used, violated, drained, or thinking about walking away from the relationship," I should consider whether my boundaries may be being violated. 

How do we prevent that from happening? Its good to decide what boundaries are important to you before the mentoring match begins,  and certainly before being confronted with a difficult situation. Although we all need boundaries, that US mentoring resource notes they are particularly important for youth who:

    i) Come from chaotic and unpredictable environments
    ii) Have been the victims of abuse
    iii) Have to take care of the adults in their lives and as a result have not had their own needs met.

The 'Ongoing Training' manual gives some ideas of specific areas where boundaries are important (the first five are from a youth mentoring context):

1. Money: How will I respond if on an outing my mentoree asks me to buy him/her something? How would I feel if my mentoree’s family requests help with their finances?
2. Behaviour: What will do if my mentoree uses foul language, mistreats others, steals, or is disrespectful of me during one of our meetings?
3. Self-disclosure: How will I respond if my mentoree asks me about my previous experience with sex, drug use, past relationships, or other personal issues?
4. Time: How much time do I feel comfortable spending with my mentoree on a weekly/monthly basis?  Am I comfortable receiving phone calls at work?  How late is too late to receive a phone call (or too early)? What would I do if my mentoree does not show up?
5. Working with Parents/Caregivers:  How will I respond if a parent offers a “laundry list” of complaints about their child or starts sharing deeply about their own problems?
6. Spiritual Advice: How will I respond if my mentoree asks me to advise them about an ethical or theological issue, eg can I sleep with my boyfriend? Or shall I change churches?

Cynthia Mellon, whose out-of-print book on life skills we have used already, notes a good boundaries question to ask, explicitly, or just in your own mind: “Who owns the problem?"  A way to test that is to ask "Is this problem hurting me directly or stopping my needs being met?" Think for example of working with a teen who has taken up smoking. I may regard it as a poor choice but is it hurting me directly or stopping my needs being met? If the answer is No, then I do not own the problem and will need to find ways of helping that leave responsibility firmly with the actions of the mentoree. We need, says Mallison (p 120)  to avoid becoming a perpetual rescuer. There are consequences to all our actions - good or bad, helpful or unhelpful,  joyful or sorrowful. Rescuing only reinforces irresponsible behaviour.  Mentors help their mentorees take responsibility for their lives.  

We looked at this helpful flow chart from Mellon's book: 

The reference to the acronym STRENGTH will be covered in a future post, but it includes Share (problems) and Note (past successes) which we have already covered, as well as others like Get Fit. The National Mentoring Center says "planning in advance will help prevent being caught off guard and it will also help you rehearse your desired response. However, you can and should make adjustments to your relationship as necessary. It is better to adjust a boundary than to walk away from a relationship." Communicate honestly and raise the boundary question in a way that honours your needs without blaming or shaming your mentoree.

Remember that  if we are not sure how to respond to a situation, we can offer to take time to think about it. Finding a way to respond that protects the well-being of the mentoring relationship is paramount. And we can seek support do not have to do this alone. Consult and be accountable. Discuss  any boundaries issues with trusted others. Know your own limitations and  act as a bridge to specialised resources.

Here is a summary from Mallison's mentoring seminar:

• Be available - within reason
• Keep confidences
• Avoid excessive intimacy - Codes of Ethics apply
• Don’t try to force mentorees into your own mould
• Allow others their freedom to develop God’s way

So in summary boundaries mean we need to know  what is our task and what isn’t, when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’. Boundaries help us take control of our lives. 

Quote of the Day: 

"Without the important first step of setting boundaries, mentorees run the risk of lumping the valuable gift of a mentor’s time in with more casual friendships (we know this is happening when we receive emails or phone calls that begin with “hey girl” or “hey bro - what’s up?”)  Mentorees require the guidance of boundaries in order to be able to use the partnership for the purposes for which it was formed. Using a mentor’s time to chat, gossip, vent, or otherwise connect socially serves neither partner well, and all but negates the singular value a mentoring partnership can provide.

But when a mentoring partnership is formed with a clear purpose and goal that both partners agree upon, and when clear communication boundaries exist, there is literally no limit to how transformative and supportive a mentoring partnership can be."

(Shannon Cutts in Mentoring Basics: Boundaries)

What did you immediately think of when the topic of boundaries was raised? 

On reflection what do you think that response was about?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.