18. A Suggested Mentoring Template

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 - 2014. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

The first couple of times we meet with a potential mentoree, the agenda  will be building rapport, and will be determined by details such as how well you  already know each other. You will develop rapport by asking an open question like 'Tell me about yourself', and identify expectations by asking 'How do you think I can help you?' Then if everything looks positive you will agree on a time frame and how you will keep track of issues, eg through reflective writing in a mentoring journal. 

However in on-going sessions it might be useful to have a template to follow, so focus is maintained and time is used efficiently. The  one we used in our training programme is a blend of several I’ve looked at, and it is only a guide; you can work out what is best in your own context. The name, given first by our mentoring champion John Mallison, is a bit cheesy; its called the GLADWRAP template because it is intended to wrap around and protect. I've amended his version but the basic intention is the same.

a) Greet - using the person's name acknowledges their identity, and boosts self-esteem. Make sure you know the name they want you to use and how pronounce it correctly. Remember that the person's name is a part of who they are. Using their name is like handling the person, so be careful with it.

b) Listen/share problems - ask how has it gone since you last met, "what's on top?", what needs attention. Watch body language, and note if it doesn’t match their words.

c) Affirm - give some positive feedback on what has been shared, looking for evidence of their strengths and encouraging them about anything positive they have achieved.

d) Decide attention/agenda – decide if you will continue with an issue already introduced or if there is something new the mentoree wants to bring. This helps keep to time, and ensures the meeting is focussed on what they want to work on. As time goes on the mentoree will develop their skill in knowing what they want to talk about.

e) Work/Time – at the very least you will want to talk about two key aspects of daily life, how they spend their time (which may or may not be in paid employment) and who they regularly connect with. Some mentorees will need leading questions to draw them out on these two areas. The first one could include matters like finding your passion/gifts, as well as practical issues like going for a job interview or studying for an exam.

f) Relationships – this second aspect could include family of origin, marriage or romance, work colleagues and bosses, church family and clubs/hobbies. Where connection is causing stress or concern is more important than where things are going smoothly.

g) Action Plan – identifying various options and choosing where to start. If you can think of something they didn’t come up with, offer it cautiously, eg 'have you thought about …', 'is there anything you could you do differently…..?' The key is to get a commitment to their own goals, not some imposed by you. You can also agree on an interim goal for the time between meetings. Preferred activities can be made dependent on lesser preferred, eg no Facebook until homework done, do dishes before TV. Some example goals are - Get Fit, Get Help, Treat Yourself.

h) Prayer/God factor - your own attitude of prayer before and after the meeting is important, but within the meeting, as discussed in Post 8, you need to handle this one sensitively.  It is better to pray silently if you aren’t sure. But there may also be your chance to model a simple conversational prayer style that will demonstrate spiritual authenticity. One youth group videoed themselves  in an amusing but frighteningly life-like demonstration of  How Not to Pray for Someone. 

The STRENGTHS  acronym in the peer support resource by Cynthia Mellon (p 73) gives eight headings that could also be used:

1. Share problems, 
2. Think Positively, 
3. Relax Body and Mind, 
4. Express Emotions, 
5. Note Past Successes, 
6. Get Fit, Treat Yourself, 
7. Help Others 
8. Get Help

Three kinds of questions will elicit reflection:

• Response Questions - what do you think? How do you feel?
• Action Questions – what are you going to  do next?
• Spiritual questions – where is God in this?

Finally, don't be afraid of periods of silence during the conversation. "Being silent while the other is talking gives assurance of love and acceptance and a sense of warmth and dignity. It facilitate openness and trust. Silence allows the speaker to gather their thoughts, to regain composure, to reflect, and to be aware of your supportive presence. It has equal benefit for the listener. Love is often most real in silence." (Mallison, Mentoring to Develop Disciples and Leaders, 2004, p 135)

Quote of the Day: 

"Mentoring is to support and encourage people to manage their own learning in order that they may maximise their potential, develop their skills, improve their performance and become the person they want to be." 

(Eric Parsloe, The Oxford School of Coaching & Mentoring)  

If spoken prayer was not appropriate with your mentoree, 

how else could you finish a session? 

Why is a clear end point needed? 

17. Goal Setting and Strengths

A mentoring relationship is a great context for helping a mentoree with setting their goals and determining concrete steps towards fulfilling them. Making our goals explicit helps us achieve them. In a study of Yale University graduates, the small percentage of the class who had written goals at the outset of their study course accomplished more than all the other class members combined (from John Maxwell’s Mentoring 101). But the goals have to be achievable; our training group looked at a New Year video that reminded us about setting goals that are relevant and realistic. 

We reviewed the SMART goals paradigm that was created by George Doran  in 1981. Although Doran had five specific meanings to his acronym, today there are a myriad helpful, and sometimes unhelpful,  definitions of SMART: 

S Specific, Significant, Stretching, Simple
M Measurable, Motivational, Manageable, Meaningful
A Achievable, Agreed, Assignable, Actionable, Adjustable, Aligned, Aspirational, 
R Relevant, Result-Based, Results-oriented, Resourced, Resonant, Realistic
T Timely, Time-oriented, Time-Specific, Timetabled, Trackable, Tangible

Goal-setting is an important feature of a mentoring relationship, say the Big Brother/Big Sister organisations. They have documented the power of a mentor to create opportunities for youth to become successful in school, improve peer relations, and make healthier choices (Tierney, Grossman and Resch, 1995). Goal setting is the pathway to making that kind of difference.  Mentors can use goal setting strategies that deploy existing strengths and values to help mentorees achieve their dreams and hopes.  We had looked at personal strengths in an earlier module, when we discovered these unique configurations of "Talent + Knowledge + Skills" can be used as a source of encouragement, the core of good mentoring, But they are also important resources for helping individuals achieve their personal, academic, and short- and long-term goals. 

The Ongoing Training resource  we have referred to already in this mentoring programme offers a six step paradigm and a goal-setting worksheet (p50 - 53) for using strengths to promote goals: 

Step 1. Defining Strengths

The first step in this model is to define personal strengths. Ask the mentoree what are the qualities, skills, and characteristics that they would define as your strengths? What abilities do they bring that could be a  foundation for future success? Many goal-setting workshops ask participants to identify four strengths, writing each one on a corner of a sheet of card.

Step 2. Envisioning the Future

The step helps us see goal setting within the bigger picture. Ask the mentoree what their ideal future looks like. How do they want to be living in 10 or 20 years? What do they want to achieve in the long term? Thinking long term will help them gain insights into what they  truly value. This will help them connect short-term goals with long-term dreams. Some workshops use "time travel" or "funeral eulogy" exercises to help with this.

Step 3. Goals for Action

Having reflected on their personal strengths and vision for the long-term future, help them choose three to five short-term goals that will help move them toward that long-term vision. 

Step 4. Concrete Tasks

Identify some specific and concrete activities they can start doing now, as a foundation for achieving these goals. Describe each activity and set a date by which they plan to accomplish it. If it is a recurring activity, describe how often they will do it (e.g., daily, monthly).

Step 5. Problem-Planning

Next think about potential barriers in achievement of the goal. What might get in the way of success?  Procrastination, Confusion, Fear, and Low Self-Esteem are examples. What preventive steps can be taken to prepare for these obstacles? For each goal write down the "Date to be accomplished" and any "preventive step" they will take.

Step 6. Reflection

At intervals in the goal-achievement timetable spend time reflecting on how specific activities have worked out, keeping in mind the Kolb learning cycle we looked at in another module. What worked and didn’t work? What has been learned? Have the goals changed, or do they need to? How have they changed since working on your goals? This provides opportunity for specific encouragement. Remember the heart of mentoring is to enable the mentoree to find their own strength to meet their goals. 

The chapter also suggests an interactive way to clarify the importance of goals with younger mentorees:

Together build a tower out of newspaper and masking tape or pins and straws.  

Ask the mentoree to define the goals for what the tower will look like. 

How tall will it be? How wide will it be? What will it look like? 

Discuss ways they can apply this activity to their own life. 

Quote of the Day:

What is the worst goal-setting mistake? What I call ‘goal setting by menu.’ Imagine you have gone to a restaurant and the waiter presents you with the menu. You look at all the lovely options and think; ‘Oooo, I fancy a bit of that, followed by a load of this and finished off with a great big dollop of that.’ And this is often the approach people take when setting goals – just randomly picking something that has caught their attention that seems a good idea at the time.....

When you set goals in this random way, they may not deliver the the results you really want. This is because they are not chosen based on what you have identified is MOST important. To avoid this goal-setting mistake, first create a compelling vision of what your ideal outcome looks like, based on your core values. Make sure your goals are based on that.

(Ali Davies)

When did you last do a personal goal-setting exercise? 

Why not try a letter to your "seven-years-from-now" self to clarify what you want? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 - 2014. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

16. Boundaries for Mentoring

A “boundary,” says the dictionary, is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or an extent",  that holds something else either in or out. For example, a woman may have a boundary to only hold hands on a first date. Or a backyard fence creates a boundary to keep our kids and pets safe.   

An illustration: 

Renovations were being done at an intermediate school.  The tall fences that surrounded the playing area were taken down in preparation for replacement the following week.  Typically, the kids would play right out to the fence line, but after the fence was taken down, the kids stayed in the central part of the play area and would not venture within twenty feet of the old boundary. 

Children and adults feel safe when they know exactly what is expected of them 

and where the boundaries are.

One mentor trainer says “boundaries are like safety cones; they tell us why we’re both here and what we’re supposed to be doing together.” Setting boundaries helps us delineate important distinguishing characteristics that set a mentor’s role apart from that of a clinician, peer, or friend.

To start this module of our mentor training, we clarified together what the task of a mentor is and isn’t. 
We noted a mentor is:

1. Not a counsellor, although many of us may use counselling  skills (such as paraphrasing) 

2. Not a psychotherapist, though over time our conversations may dig deep into the past and enable healing

3. Not a preacher, although faith and spirituality may inform our understanding

4. Not a social worker, although we may be of considerable help in setting goals and forming action plans for addressing social problems.

Although a boundary can be clearly marked by a wall or a road, it is never entirely clear exactly where one area ends and the other begins. In a similar way, when we use the word boundaries to describe limits and rules in relationships, some honest judgement is needed to decide which behaviours "cross the line." We offered ideas of times when we need to hand over or let go, for example when there is a medical problem. or when the person is becoming aggressive or clingy. A future post will look at referral, but this module looked at the wider issues of boundaries in the mentoring context. 

For boundaries to be effective they need to be applied on a consistent and ongoing basis.  What issues might present a boundary concern for a mentor?  Examples of two commonly-agreed boundaries are:

• CONFIDENTIALITY - we agree that we will not share information with anyone else, unless safety is an issue, in which case we will tell the mentoree that this is going to happen.
• TOUCHING – we agree that hugging is inappropriate but that we can use words or signs such as highfives to communicate love and acceptance.

John Mallison notes that caring Christians can find boundaries confusing.  They feel God calls us to a sacrificial attitude that always puts the other first. But Paul says there is a balance here: ‘Bear one another’s burdens’ (Gal 6:2)  and ‘all should carry their own loads’ (Gal 6:5).    ‘Burden’ - beyond our normal ability to carry.  ‘Load’ - what is manageable. The mentor needs to note what is manageable for themselves as well as the load the mentoree can carry. What are the signs to look out for?  A US-based mentoring initiative for high school students says in its 'Ongoing Training' manual that "When I  am feeling angry, used, violated, drained, or thinking about walking away from the relationship," I should consider whether my boundaries may be being violated. 

How do we prevent that from happening? Its good to decide what boundaries are important to you before the mentoring match begins,  and certainly before being confronted with a difficult situation. Although we all need boundaries, that US mentoring resource notes they are particularly important for youth who:

    i) Come from chaotic and unpredictable environments
    ii) Have been the victims of abuse
    iii) Have to take care of the adults in their lives and as a result have not had their own needs met.

The 'Ongoing Training' manual gives some ideas of specific areas where boundaries are important (the first five are from a youth mentoring context):

1. Money: How will I respond if on an outing my mentoree asks me to buy him/her something? How would I feel if my mentoree’s family requests help with their finances?
2. Behaviour: What will do if my mentoree uses foul language, mistreats others, steals, or is disrespectful of me during one of our meetings?
3. Self-disclosure: How will I respond if my mentoree asks me about my previous experience with sex, drug use, past relationships, or other personal issues?
4. Time: How much time do I feel comfortable spending with my mentoree on a weekly/monthly basis?  Am I comfortable receiving phone calls at work?  How late is too late to receive a phone call (or too early)? What would I do if my mentoree does not show up?
5. Working with Parents/Caregivers:  How will I respond if a parent offers a “laundry list” of complaints about their child or starts sharing deeply about their own problems?
6. Spiritual Advice: How will I respond if my mentoree asks me to advise them about an ethical or theological issue, eg can I sleep with my boyfriend? Or shall I change churches?

Cynthia Mellon, whose out-of-print book on life skills we have used already, notes a good boundaries question to ask, explicitly, or just in your own mind: “Who owns the problem?"  A way to test that is to ask "Is this problem hurting me directly or stopping my needs being met?" Think for example of working with a teen who has taken up smoking. I may regard it as a poor choice but is it hurting me directly or stopping my needs being met? If the answer is No, then I do not own the problem and will need to find ways of helping that leave responsibility firmly with the actions of the mentoree. We need, says Mallison (p 120)  to avoid becoming a perpetual rescuer. There are consequences to all our actions - good or bad, helpful or unhelpful,  joyful or sorrowful. Rescuing only reinforces irresponsible behaviour.  Mentors help their mentorees take responsibility for their lives.  

We looked at this helpful flow chart from Mellon's book: 

The reference to the acronym STRENGTH will be covered in a future post, but it includes Share (problems) and Note (past successes) which we have already covered, as well as others like Get Fit. The National Mentoring Center says "planning in advance will help prevent being caught off guard and it will also help you rehearse your desired response. However, you can and should make adjustments to your relationship as necessary. It is better to adjust a boundary than to walk away from a relationship." Communicate honestly and raise the boundary question in a way that honours your needs without blaming or shaming your mentoree.

Remember that  if we are not sure how to respond to a situation, we can offer to take time to think about it. Finding a way to respond that protects the well-being of the mentoring relationship is paramount. And we can seek support do not have to do this alone. Consult and be accountable. Discuss  any boundaries issues with trusted others. Know your own limitations and  act as a bridge to specialised resources.

Here is a summary from Mallison's mentoring seminar:

• Be available - within reason
• Keep confidences
• Avoid excessive intimacy - Codes of Ethics apply
• Don’t try to force mentorees into your own mould
• Allow others their freedom to develop God’s way

So in summary boundaries mean we need to know  what is our task and what isn’t, when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’. Boundaries help us take control of our lives. 

Quote of the Day: 

"Without the important first step of setting boundaries, mentorees run the risk of lumping the valuable gift of a mentor’s time in with more casual friendships (we know this is happening when we receive emails or phone calls that begin with “hey girl” or “hey bro - what’s up?”)  Mentorees require the guidance of boundaries in order to be able to use the partnership for the purposes for which it was formed. Using a mentor’s time to chat, gossip, vent, or otherwise connect socially serves neither partner well, and all but negates the singular value a mentoring partnership can provide.

But when a mentoring partnership is formed with a clear purpose and goal that both partners agree upon, and when clear communication boundaries exist, there is literally no limit to how transformative and supportive a mentoring partnership can be."

(Shannon Cutts in Mentoring Basics: Boundaries)

What did you immediately think of when the topic of boundaries was raised? 

On reflection what do you think that response was about?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

12. Role-plays of a Mentoring Conversation

The best way to test out your developing communication skills is by playing the role of mentor or mentoree in a safe training environment. We did this in Session Two of our Mentor Training by dividing into groups of four and practising conversations between a mentor and mentoree. We used the same scenario for both role-plays, with one version having a “mentor” who displayed poor listening/communication skills. In the second role-play, the “mentor” modelled effective listening and communication. Each group then chose one of their plays to present to the wider group. 

First, an example scenario was first used to demonstrate the concept. John was mentoring "Peter"  a student who is struggling financially and in conflict with his parents:

1) Poor Listening and Communicating
John:  Hi Pete, good to see you again
Peter:  Hi.
John: How’s your week been?
Peter: OK.
John: Just OK? I would have thought a young guy like you would have had a great week.
Peter: Well we've had uni exams.
John: I can remember what that’s like. It used to be pretty intense. Swot half the night and then the kids would go mad in the “Kiwi” or the “Big I” when it was all over.
Peter: Well I've got a few complications …
John: Yeah life is a bit more complex now. What have you got planned for the holidays?
Peter: Nothing much.
John: Will you get a job? You’ll need some money to keep that student loan down. I've warned you about the dangers of borrowing too much at your age.
Peter: Yeah but that’s just it…
John: A good holiday job is the answer… I’ll have a talk to some mates in business and get you sorted.
Peter: Well I’ve got to get the exams done first. And I’ve got a few issues with Dad. He wants me to help him paint the house while he’s out of work. He’s got to do it this summer but can’t he afford get a painter in. He’s being a bit unreasonable… he knows the money pressure I’m under.
John: Parents can seem a bit unreasonable at your age. Anyway let’s get down to business and sort out some long term life goals.
Peter:Yeah … whatever…    

 2) Better Listening and Communicating
John:  Hi Pete, good to see you again
Peter: Hi.
John: How’s your week been?
Peter: OK.
John: Just OK? What’s been going on this week then?
Peter: We've got uni exams.
John: and you’re under a bit of pressure?
Peter: More than a bit… and this money thing is just adding to it.
John: You’re worried about finances as well the exams.
Peter: Yeah I ran up over a hundred bucks in library fines when got behind on my assignments and if I don’t front with the money by the end of the month my exam results get cancelled.
John: And the whole semester gets wasted. Have you had any thoughts about sorting it out?
Peter: Well I want to get holiday job, if I can, but dad’s nutting off about helping him paint the house. He’s got to do it this summer but can’t afford a painter in while he’s out of work.   He’s being a total idiot … he knows the money pressure I’m under.
John:  No support when you really need it.
Peter: I don’t think he cares about my stuff, it’s all about him losing his job.
John: You want your dad’s support when you need it.
Peter: He doesn’t care about me.
John:  I’m hearing that you feel your dad has abandoned you when you need him.  I think we’ve got two issues to think through here. First let’s talk about some options for getting the library off your back and then we’ll talk about how we might get your dad to see how important it is for you to feel he’s there backing you, even if things are tight financially for him as well. Maybe we can help both of you really back each other up.  Now what ideas have you got for a summer job and maybe I can add some suggestions?

Scenarios for Good Communication/Bad Communication Role Plays 

1) Your mentoree is a single mum aged 21. She has just started polytech because her baby has turned three and can now go to the local church kindy for free, if she goes 5 mornings per week. But the baby has had flu and had to have a week at home. The mum has got behind with her assignments and thinks she might drop out.

2) Your mentoree has been chosen head prefect at the local high school for the coming year. He has been in the first fifteen rugby for 2 years, including the reps last season, and is a key leader in the church youth group. He has just been offered a rugby scholarship to go to an elite College for next year, but he must be a boarder in the high performance rugby class. He is struggling to know what to do.

3) Your mentoree became a Christian about 3 months ago through the Young Life youth worker at College. Old friends are putting pressure on them to come back into their party life style. They did go with them once, last Saturday night, and ended up getting stoned at a friend’s house. They feel very guilty about it.

4) Your mentoree has been in continual trouble (petty theft, tagging, fights) around the community for several years. They dropped out of school 2 years ago, but don't have  a job. Pressure from their Christian parents has led to them agreeing to work with a mentor for 1 year to try to change direction. The parents have told the mentor that their youngster is very good at music, dance and art work. 

5) Your mentoree comes from a very dysfunctional home but through 5 years in your youth group has matured into a fine and able young adult. They want to train as a lawyer and come back into their home community as a legal advisor for at-risk young people. However the parents want them to find a job or go on the dole so as to start paying serious board to help family finances. They have just told him/her that if that doesn't happen they can just move out.

6) Your mentoree is in year 13 and has been playing in the youth band for 3 years at church, as well as on an occasional Sunday morning. However the church worship leader has just said that unless they comes to the mid-week practice, they will have to leave both teams. The mentoree is under pressure at school, because he/she wants to get into architecture school and places are limited, but he/she is also a bit lazy and disorganised.     

After the role-play, we asked participants for feedback and used the responses to add items to our master lists of "good” and “bad listening” l The “mentor” could, for example, be non-supportive by asking, “What did you do wrong? or shut off communication by telling the mentoree what to do instead of listening and helping to draw him out.

We had a lot of fun and every one seemed to enjoy being a bad listener much more than modeling good communications!

Quote of the Day:

The practice of listening is a fundamental characteristic 

of manifesting redemptive relationships in community. 

It is Gods work, for when we learn to listen to our sisters and brothers, 

we welcome them as God does. 

(Dale Ziemer in Treasure in Clay Jars)

How do you "manifest redemptive relationships"? 

Do you think of active listening as the welcoming of God?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

11. Roadblocks to Communication

We had started Week Two of our Mentor Training by thinking about what makes for good communication. We looked at what we say and do, but another way to look at it is to identify what not to say and do. If we flip it around and think about what it is that gets in the way, what puts up a wall, we can identify what Dr Tom Gordon of Parent Effectiveness movement  called the Roadblocks to Communication, the obstacles that hinder two-way traffic. One obvious roadblock is when someone walks away as you are speaking; you feel disappointed and abandoned, but there are some more subtle responses that have the same effect. 

Do any of these sound familiar? 

"Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same way." 
"I had that same thing happen to me." 
"Let me tell you what I did in a similar situation." 

We already mentioned the late Stephen Covey, whose book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People included the fifth habit, first seek to understand  He writes that most of us tend to "listen autobiographically" and then respond in one of four ways:

Evaluating: We judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing: We ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising: We give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting: We analyze others' motives and behaviors based on our own experiences.

Each of these points to a variant of the roadblocks to good listening.

We brainstormed onto a white board again:

• judging
• lecturing
• interrupting
• following own agenda
• telling own stories
• answering/texting on cellphone
• dismissing

We added to these some others that get in the way of deep connection:

1. Advising - which takes away the power of problem solving from the mentoree:  Here's what I think you should do... Let me suggest... Here's the best solution...
2. One-upping - which devalues the mentoree's experience by focusing on something autobiographical: You think that’s bad; let me tell you about my husband..... I felt like that when I won the National Talent Quest...
3. Educating - logic is an good problem-solving tool, but when it is used to block communication it can make the one with the problem feel inferior, or inadequate: Do you realize that... ? Experience tells us that ...   I can recommend a really good book...
4. Analysing - getting to the root of a problem can be helpful, but going too quickly to an underlying motivation circumvents communication that could help the mentoree find their own solution: You are just angry..... You're being paranoid....You have internalized your father’s rages so that any raised voice triggers that old fear.
5. Storytelling - wandering off into personal nostalgia takes the focus off the context at hand: I felt so much worse than that when I overdosed in 1972....Did I ever tell you what I did when my husband came home drunk? 
6. Minimising- communicates to the mentoree that their situation is not as important as they think it is. This blocks the energy for problem solving: Try not to think about it too much....Look at the positive side..... Well, at least he doesn’t hit you the way your father did.
7. Sympathising -  sharing similar feelings, especially in matters of grief and loss, can add to the burden: Oooh that is a horrible way to die... I feel frightened when I hear how angry he gets.
8. Interrogating -takes the problem out of the mentoree's hands and tells them that you are the expert and now in charge:  Why did you do that? So how often does she go into one of those rages? 
9. Reassuring - unrealistic attempts to console and make someone feel better (as compared with genuine affirmation of their strengths): You'll feel better tomorrow....Don't worry God will take care of it...Every dark cloud has a silver lining.
10. Avoiding  - some things do seem to fall into the too-hard basket  but evasion just buries the problem:  This topic is upsetting; let’s talk about something else... You'll soon grow out of feeling like that.
11. Diagnosing - the mentor tells the person what the problem is and how they should be  acting, limiting their ability to sort through the problem themselves: It sounds like you have become codependent... You need to change your thinking about anger...
12. Judging - labelling with messages of disparagement and ridicule are a significant barrier to empowering someone to grow as a person: You really stuffed up on this one.....Someone is a perfectionist....You are talking like an engineer.

Covey notes that some might respond, "Hey, now wait a minute. I'm just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?" In some situations, he says, autobiographical responses may be appropriate, eg, when another person specifically asks for your point of view. But what we mustn't do is interrupt with what we feel or think about the topic. We wait for them to ask our opinion, and even then avoid giving direct advice. We let the mentoree find his or her own way. (If they take our advice and something goes wrong, they will likely blame us, maybe without saying so!)

We summed up this session by looking at a handout on "How to Kill a Conversation": 

• Tell the speaker that the way he or she feels is wrong. “It’s silly to feel that way.”
• Don’t look at the person who is speaking to you.
• Sit slouched over, look distracted, drum your fingers on the table, or use some other body language to signal to the speaker that you’re not really interested.
• While the person is speaking, think about what you’re going to say in reply. It’s not possible to be forming your own words and concentrating on the speaker’s at the same time—so the response you’re planning is unlikely to be very useful.
• Be judgmental and challenging. Ask questions that put your mentoree on the spot: “Why didn’t you do better on the test?” “Why did you say that to her?” “How could you possibly think that?”
• Interrupt the person who is talking. Finish his or her sentences. Tell a long story of your own. (though self disclosure is sometimes appropriate) 
• On the phone – be totally silent, tap your keyboard, or do the dishes.

It is clear that all these obstacles are based on the mentor mistakenly putting their own agenda and needs before that of the mentoree. We reiterated the pattern of Focus, Guess and Check that we had learned earlier (see post 10). 

a. Focus  -  Clear your mind of distractions, agendas, and preconceived ideas. Notice your mentoree’s facial expression, gestures and body language as well as their choice of words. Acknowledge that you are listening by using minimal encouragers - nods, uhum - and          using open-ended questions, like how, why? to demonstrate "respectful curiosity"

b. Guess  - read between the lines to identify underlying feelings,  then paraphrase (restate in your own words) what you think they said, and what feeling was being expressed. Eg ‘you seem sad’. If you have noticed body language, describe it – 'you seem tearful at that idea', 'what was that sigh about?' Try not to pass judgment in loaded questions or your own body language.

c. Check out your understanding by listening to or watching the person’s response. If they seem disappointed or irritated, you may have got it wrong. That’s okay. Make that explicit – 'I don’t seem to have picked that up right' - and ask for clarification. You are trying to stand in their shoes. After a longer conversation try and give a brief summary of what has been expressed. This lets them know you are really interested.

Effective mentoring is about true listening  not just to the words but to the person behind the words.  

In a future post we'll look at The Crowded Room, or the prior concerns and expectations  we take into a mentoring conversation. We need to both recognise and ignore this 'mental baggage', and that is quite an elusive skill.  We may also revisit the session on "How religious should we be, in regards to  appropriate use of the Bible and other faith resources, so as to avoid pat answers and trite theology.  

Quote of the Day:

 “Easy listening exists only on the radio.” 

(David Barkan)

Which of the roadblocks do you recognise as your idiosyncratic weakness?

If you don't know, who could you ask to help you identify it?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

9. Qualities of a Good Mentor

I have been blessed over sixty plus years to have some amazing people contribute to my life and leadership. My parents Bill and Tui, teachers like Miss Shirley Hansen, pastors like the late Owen Baragwaneth, and my nana Vera Maclennan. As an adult I have received encouragement and advice from counsellors, colleagues, and my brother Simon who is a minister down-country.  A brief example: once, when I was applying for a job before I ended up in the one I'm in now, I was downhearted at the requirement in the job description that the successful candidate be someone innovative. I am a cautious and responsible person and didn’t see myself as innovative.  But because Si had observed me at work over many years, he was able to point out a number of innovations I had led at my last church, never in a hurry but some of them quite radical. I now see innovation as one of my strengths, purely because of that mentoring conversation.

When we identify the Christian leaders who have had a positive influence on us - relatives, friends, teachers, leaders, ministers, we can usually name some qualities they have in common. Our group came up with this list: 

• availability 
• integrity
• grace
• good listener
• wisdom
• supportive
• understanding. 

In his chapter "What it Takes" in Mentoring to Develop Disciples and Leaders, Mallison adds in:

• Passionate - zealous and committed. If we find mentoring feels like a burden, perhaps it is not for us.
• Relational - able to develop rapport, and be interested and concerned with the mentoree as a person.
• Affirming, that is, believing in their mentoree and willing to tell them so. Even failures can be turned into genuine learning experiences.
• Open and Transparent - able to act with integrity and speak with authenticity. This enables them to ask the tough questions when needed.
• Trusting and Trustworthy, following up on commitments and able to keep confidences.
• Available - timing of face to face meetings should be agreed in advance but often there is a verbal agreement that the mentoree may phone or email when struggling with a difficult issue.
• Competent - in the areas in which the mentoree wants to grow. A person experienced in the business world may help a young adult with their career. An older mum may help a new parent with issues of child care. A minister with wide preaching experience may review a new pastor's sermons with a view to identifying their strengths and enhancing their skills. 
• Christ Centred and Prayerful - although as covered in Post  6, this will often be implicit rather than openly spoken about.

This is quite intimidating!  But Mallison, in another chapter, writes of having an adequate idea of God, whom he sees as the Great Mentor,  and a "sane estimate" of ourselves. This phrase comes from a verse in Romans,  where Paul is giving the believers advice about Christian living. 

"Don't cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance, 

but try to have a sane estimate of your capabilities..." 

(Rom. 12:3, Phillips)

A great mentor will not be overconfident but humble and teachable, having a “sane estimate” of their strengths. None of us can exhibit all the qualities named above; God uses wounded servants,  and by grace the dynamic in mentoring is both giving and receiving. Mallison notes two  important tensions:

1. We are both Image Bearers, who reflect God’s character, and can be channels of his grace, and Flawed, because of sin's impact on humanity, individually and together.
2. We are both Wounded,  by the brokenness of our world, and Healers, because being "in Christ" brings salvation and hope. 

These should help us have a truly sane estimate of ourselves.

Quote of the Day:

"Prayer leads you to see new paths and to hear new melodies in the air.

Prayer is the breath of your life which gives you freedom to go and to stay where you wish and to find the many signs which point out the way to a new land. 

Praying is not simply some necessary compartment in the daily schedule of a Christian or a source of support in time of need, nor is it restricted to Sunday mornings or mealtimes. Praying is living. It is eating and drinking, action and rest, 

teaching and learning, playing and working. 

Praying pervades every aspect of our lives. 

It is the unceasing recognition that God is wherever we are, 

always inviting us to come closer 

and to celebrate the divine gift of being alive. 

(Henri Nouwen, With Open Hands)

Try to recall a few Christian leaders who have had a positive influence on you  - relatives, friends, teachers, leaders, ministers, and more.  Name them out loud, and be thankful. Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.