19. Writing a Mentoring Covenant

A very important component of our 2013 mentor training was a collaborative exercise of drafting a mentoring covenant. The Biblical concept of covenant was used rather than the commercial paradigm of a contract because we wanted to emphasise the grace and commitment that undergirds our work as mentors. We asked these questions:

How will we behave in the mentoring relationship? 

What needs to be made explicit at the outset?  

Small groups shared ideas which were presented in form of a poster illustrating agreed values/expectations. Themes that came up in the groups ranged from punctuality and privacy, to confidentiality and contact outside the sessions. 

We also looked at a few ideas from other programmes. 

From a Youth Ministry Training Programme: 

Mentor and Mentoree 

I will make time for you and invite you into my life. I will be authentic with you. I will not try to say or do the “right” thing just because I think it is what you want to hear or to see. I will be who God has called me to be in your life. I will share my life experiences, opinions, hopes, fears, joys, doubts and dreams with you. I will be honest with you, even when I don’t have answers to your questions. I will help you understand how I see the world.  I will affirm you. I will support you in your endeavors. I will encourage you to explore who God is calling you to be. I will not always understand everything you do or say, but I will try to be respectful of who you are and how you express yourself. I will listen to what you have done in your life, see how it has shaped you and take seriously the lessons you have learned. I will listen to you without judging you. I will seek to understand you. 

 Together we will create a relationship based on the love of Christ for us as God’s  children. We will teach each other, be open to each other and be patient with each other. We  will work together at navigating life and remembering who we are as unique individuals claimed, called, and sent by God....  We will open and close our time together with prayer. 

From a business context: 

I believe that growth occurs in an atmosphere of honesty. 

Therefore, I will be completely honest with those that I mentor. 

I believe that with mentoring, comes the responsibility to live my life with integrity. 

Therefore, in word and deed, I will conduct myself with integrity. 

I believe that to truly help others, is to truly care about their well being. 

Therefore, as a Mentor, I will seek to make the well being of ..... my top priority. 

I believe that commitment is the foundation that meaningful relationships are built upon. 

Therefore, I will not quit. I will work with .... until our work is completed. 

I believe that open and timely communication is essential to the Mentoring process. 

Therefore, I will provide appropriate feedback and input. 

I believe that goals are essential to the Mentoring process. 

Therefore, I will work with ..... to help establish goals and walk alongside them as each goal is fulfilled. 

I believe that consistency develops trust in relationships. 

Therefore, I agree to fulfill the agreements that I establish with those that I mentor. 

I believe that confidentiality is important to the sanctity of the Mentor/Mentee relationship. 

Therefore, the information that I am privileged to will remain confidential, unless otherwise stated by the mentee. 

I believe that there are seasons and stages in each person’s life. 

Therefore, I will travel alongside .... as long as the need exists. However, I am committed to respecting and recognizing the day when they are no longer in need of my services and I will celebrate with them as they realize their full potential. 

 I believe that trust and transparency are developed within an environment of honor and respect. Therefore, I will respect and honor .... time and other commitments by keeping all scheduled meetings, phone calls, and appointments with my Group unless an unavoidable and/or unanticipated personal emergency or illness occurs. 

Sincerely __________________ Date____________

And here is one from a Georgia church, with a more explicitly Christian purpose. 

Those who participate in Re:new are required to: 
1. Attend all sessions.  
2. Be on time. 
3. Have a desire for knowing Christ and for growing to maturity in Him, because our mentoring model is based on this—and does not primarily involve behaviour modification and do's and don'ts. The spiritual focus is on change of the PERSON from the inside out.  
4. Understand that behavioral changes such as communication skills, problem-solving techniques, and anger management strategies will not be considered the solution to your problems.  

5. Expect your personal healing and peace not to depend on your circumstances or spouse or another person changing. Your fulfillment and freedom from emotional pain is to be found only  

in your understanding God’s grace, and your identity in Christ, and in pursuing an intimate relationship with Him.  

6. Weekly homework such as reading, writing, listening to CDs and/or viewing DVDs, doing relational exercises, or all of the above may involve an hour or more per week. Come to a session with homework completed as assigned. This is because in the mentoring process, each session builds upon the previous session and upon the homework. Homework will be an integral part of the change process. Mentoring will not be effective if the homework is not accomplished.  

7. Participate in mentoring not because a spouse or another person is expecting it, but because you have a desire for personal change through knowing Christ.  The purpose of mentoring is not to change another person with whom you are in relationship. 
CONFIDENTIALITY: All communications between the care receiver and the mentor are confidential. Such information will not be released to anyone, including other agencies, without your written consent. However, Georgia State Law requires that the mentor report to the appropriate authorities any suspect sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect or serious threat of physical harm to self or others. In addition, if a court orders the mentor to testify, the mentor must do so. Other exceptions would be if it were necessary to consult with a supervisor or colleague regarding recommendations for treatment. In the event of a medical emergency, emergency medical professionals will be contacted immediately. 
SESSION LENGTH: The sessions last for an hour. 

LATE APPOINTMENTS: It is necessary to be prompt for your session. The mentor will wait 20 minutes for a care receiver. However, if the care receiver arrives late, only the remainder of the 60 minutes scheduled will be utilized. 
CANCELLATIONS: Regular attendance will produce maximum benefit. However if you must cancel, please phone your mentor at least 24 hours in advance of your scheduled appointment. Services may be discontinued if there are two no- shows of scheduled appointments. Your cooperation in this regard will be greatly appreciated. 
CARE RECEIVER RIGHTS 
1. You have the right to decide not to enter mentoring. 
2. You have the right to end mentoring at any time. 
3. You have the right to ask questions at any time about what we do during mentoring. 
4. You have the right to privacy except where a mentor is legally bound to break confidentiality. 

I have read and understand the conditions of participating as a care receiver in re:new mentoring, and I agree to the expectations listed above. 

Name ...................                                                                            Date............

As you can see the variety is rich and the contexts differ. The important thing is that  these expectations are discussed and documented in some way. Give it a try!

Quote of the Day:

MENTOR: A seasoned, called, and committed godly Christian leader who wants to apply the Biblical principle of investing in the next generation as found in 2 Timothy 2:2. They know that real life change occurs within the context of community. They understand the importance of keeping their own personal edge sharp, and that a great way to do so is by building relationships with the next generation of leaders. They are willing to invest 4 to 6 hours each month in themselves, and in others. They want an opportunity to "give back" and are serious about establishing their "legacy" by passing along what they have learned and experienced. 

What would be the core values you would want to specify in a mentoring agreement? 

What would you not want to specify? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 - 2014. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

16. Boundaries for Mentoring

A “boundary,” says the dictionary, is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or an extent",  that holds something else either in or out. For example, a woman may have a boundary to only hold hands on a first date. Or a backyard fence creates a boundary to keep our kids and pets safe.   

An illustration: 

Renovations were being done at an intermediate school.  The tall fences that surrounded the playing area were taken down in preparation for replacement the following week.  Typically, the kids would play right out to the fence line, but after the fence was taken down, the kids stayed in the central part of the play area and would not venture within twenty feet of the old boundary. 

Children and adults feel safe when they know exactly what is expected of them 

and where the boundaries are.

One mentor trainer says “boundaries are like safety cones; they tell us why we’re both here and what we’re supposed to be doing together.” Setting boundaries helps us delineate important distinguishing characteristics that set a mentor’s role apart from that of a clinician, peer, or friend.

To start this module of our mentor training, we clarified together what the task of a mentor is and isn’t. 
We noted a mentor is:

1. Not a counsellor, although many of us may use counselling  skills (such as paraphrasing) 

2. Not a psychotherapist, though over time our conversations may dig deep into the past and enable healing

3. Not a preacher, although faith and spirituality may inform our understanding

4. Not a social worker, although we may be of considerable help in setting goals and forming action plans for addressing social problems.

Although a boundary can be clearly marked by a wall or a road, it is never entirely clear exactly where one area ends and the other begins. In a similar way, when we use the word boundaries to describe limits and rules in relationships, some honest judgement is needed to decide which behaviours "cross the line." We offered ideas of times when we need to hand over or let go, for example when there is a medical problem. or when the person is becoming aggressive or clingy. A future post will look at referral, but this module looked at the wider issues of boundaries in the mentoring context. 

For boundaries to be effective they need to be applied on a consistent and ongoing basis.  What issues might present a boundary concern for a mentor?  Examples of two commonly-agreed boundaries are:

• CONFIDENTIALITY - we agree that we will not share information with anyone else, unless safety is an issue, in which case we will tell the mentoree that this is going to happen.
• TOUCHING – we agree that hugging is inappropriate but that we can use words or signs such as highfives to communicate love and acceptance.

John Mallison notes that caring Christians can find boundaries confusing.  They feel God calls us to a sacrificial attitude that always puts the other first. But Paul says there is a balance here: ‘Bear one another’s burdens’ (Gal 6:2)  and ‘all should carry their own loads’ (Gal 6:5).    ‘Burden’ - beyond our normal ability to carry.  ‘Load’ - what is manageable. The mentor needs to note what is manageable for themselves as well as the load the mentoree can carry. What are the signs to look out for?  A US-based mentoring initiative for high school students says in its 'Ongoing Training' manual that "When I  am feeling angry, used, violated, drained, or thinking about walking away from the relationship," I should consider whether my boundaries may be being violated. 

How do we prevent that from happening? Its good to decide what boundaries are important to you before the mentoring match begins,  and certainly before being confronted with a difficult situation. Although we all need boundaries, that US mentoring resource notes they are particularly important for youth who:

    i) Come from chaotic and unpredictable environments
    ii) Have been the victims of abuse
    iii) Have to take care of the adults in their lives and as a result have not had their own needs met.

The 'Ongoing Training' manual gives some ideas of specific areas where boundaries are important (the first five are from a youth mentoring context):

1. Money: How will I respond if on an outing my mentoree asks me to buy him/her something? How would I feel if my mentoree’s family requests help with their finances?
2. Behaviour: What will do if my mentoree uses foul language, mistreats others, steals, or is disrespectful of me during one of our meetings?
3. Self-disclosure: How will I respond if my mentoree asks me about my previous experience with sex, drug use, past relationships, or other personal issues?
4. Time: How much time do I feel comfortable spending with my mentoree on a weekly/monthly basis?  Am I comfortable receiving phone calls at work?  How late is too late to receive a phone call (or too early)? What would I do if my mentoree does not show up?
5. Working with Parents/Caregivers:  How will I respond if a parent offers a “laundry list” of complaints about their child or starts sharing deeply about their own problems?
6. Spiritual Advice: How will I respond if my mentoree asks me to advise them about an ethical or theological issue, eg can I sleep with my boyfriend? Or shall I change churches?

Cynthia Mellon, whose out-of-print book on life skills we have used already, notes a good boundaries question to ask, explicitly, or just in your own mind: “Who owns the problem?"  A way to test that is to ask "Is this problem hurting me directly or stopping my needs being met?" Think for example of working with a teen who has taken up smoking. I may regard it as a poor choice but is it hurting me directly or stopping my needs being met? If the answer is No, then I do not own the problem and will need to find ways of helping that leave responsibility firmly with the actions of the mentoree. We need, says Mallison (p 120)  to avoid becoming a perpetual rescuer. There are consequences to all our actions - good or bad, helpful or unhelpful,  joyful or sorrowful. Rescuing only reinforces irresponsible behaviour.  Mentors help their mentorees take responsibility for their lives.  

We looked at this helpful flow chart from Mellon's book: 

The reference to the acronym STRENGTH will be covered in a future post, but it includes Share (problems) and Note (past successes) which we have already covered, as well as others like Get Fit. The National Mentoring Center says "planning in advance will help prevent being caught off guard and it will also help you rehearse your desired response. However, you can and should make adjustments to your relationship as necessary. It is better to adjust a boundary than to walk away from a relationship." Communicate honestly and raise the boundary question in a way that honours your needs without blaming or shaming your mentoree.

Remember that  if we are not sure how to respond to a situation, we can offer to take time to think about it. Finding a way to respond that protects the well-being of the mentoring relationship is paramount. And we can seek support do not have to do this alone. Consult and be accountable. Discuss  any boundaries issues with trusted others. Know your own limitations and  act as a bridge to specialised resources.

Here is a summary from Mallison's mentoring seminar:

• Be available - within reason
• Keep confidences
• Avoid excessive intimacy - Codes of Ethics apply
• Don’t try to force mentorees into your own mould
• Allow others their freedom to develop God’s way

So in summary boundaries mean we need to know  what is our task and what isn’t, when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’. Boundaries help us take control of our lives. 

Quote of the Day: 

"Without the important first step of setting boundaries, mentorees run the risk of lumping the valuable gift of a mentor’s time in with more casual friendships (we know this is happening when we receive emails or phone calls that begin with “hey girl” or “hey bro - what’s up?”)  Mentorees require the guidance of boundaries in order to be able to use the partnership for the purposes for which it was formed. Using a mentor’s time to chat, gossip, vent, or otherwise connect socially serves neither partner well, and all but negates the singular value a mentoring partnership can provide.

But when a mentoring partnership is formed with a clear purpose and goal that both partners agree upon, and when clear communication boundaries exist, there is literally no limit to how transformative and supportive a mentoring partnership can be."

(Shannon Cutts in Mentoring Basics: Boundaries)

What did you immediately think of when the topic of boundaries was raised? 

On reflection what do you think that response was about?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.