11. Roadblocks to Communication

We had started Week Two of our Mentor Training by thinking about what makes for good communication. We looked at what we say and do, but another way to look at it is to identify what not to say and do. If we flip it around and think about what it is that gets in the way, what puts up a wall, we can identify what Dr Tom Gordon of Parent Effectiveness movement  called the Roadblocks to Communication, the obstacles that hinder two-way traffic. One obvious roadblock is when someone walks away as you are speaking; you feel disappointed and abandoned, but there are some more subtle responses that have the same effect. 

Do any of these sound familiar? 

"Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same way." 
"I had that same thing happen to me." 
"Let me tell you what I did in a similar situation." 

We already mentioned the late Stephen Covey, whose book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People included the fifth habit, first seek to understand  He writes that most of us tend to "listen autobiographically" and then respond in one of four ways:

Evaluating: We judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing: We ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising: We give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting: We analyze others' motives and behaviors based on our own experiences.

Each of these points to a variant of the roadblocks to good listening.

We brainstormed onto a white board again:

• judging
• lecturing
• interrupting
• following own agenda
• telling own stories
• answering/texting on cellphone
• dismissing

We added to these some others that get in the way of deep connection:

1. Advising - which takes away the power of problem solving from the mentoree:  Here's what I think you should do... Let me suggest... Here's the best solution...
2. One-upping - which devalues the mentoree's experience by focusing on something autobiographical: You think that’s bad; let me tell you about my husband..... I felt like that when I won the National Talent Quest...
3. Educating - logic is an good problem-solving tool, but when it is used to block communication it can make the one with the problem feel inferior, or inadequate: Do you realize that... ? Experience tells us that ...   I can recommend a really good book...
4. Analysing - getting to the root of a problem can be helpful, but going too quickly to an underlying motivation circumvents communication that could help the mentoree find their own solution: You are just angry..... You're being paranoid....You have internalized your father’s rages so that any raised voice triggers that old fear.
5. Storytelling - wandering off into personal nostalgia takes the focus off the context at hand: I felt so much worse than that when I overdosed in 1972....Did I ever tell you what I did when my husband came home drunk? 
6. Minimising- communicates to the mentoree that their situation is not as important as they think it is. This blocks the energy for problem solving: Try not to think about it too much....Look at the positive side..... Well, at least he doesn’t hit you the way your father did.
7. Sympathising -  sharing similar feelings, especially in matters of grief and loss, can add to the burden: Oooh that is a horrible way to die... I feel frightened when I hear how angry he gets.
8. Interrogating -takes the problem out of the mentoree's hands and tells them that you are the expert and now in charge:  Why did you do that? So how often does she go into one of those rages? 
9. Reassuring - unrealistic attempts to console and make someone feel better (as compared with genuine affirmation of their strengths): You'll feel better tomorrow....Don't worry God will take care of it...Every dark cloud has a silver lining.
10. Avoiding  - some things do seem to fall into the too-hard basket  but evasion just buries the problem:  This topic is upsetting; let’s talk about something else... You'll soon grow out of feeling like that.
11. Diagnosing - the mentor tells the person what the problem is and how they should be  acting, limiting their ability to sort through the problem themselves: It sounds like you have become codependent... You need to change your thinking about anger...
12. Judging - labelling with messages of disparagement and ridicule are a significant barrier to empowering someone to grow as a person: You really stuffed up on this one.....Someone is a perfectionist....You are talking like an engineer.

Covey notes that some might respond, "Hey, now wait a minute. I'm just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?" In some situations, he says, autobiographical responses may be appropriate, eg, when another person specifically asks for your point of view. But what we mustn't do is interrupt with what we feel or think about the topic. We wait for them to ask our opinion, and even then avoid giving direct advice. We let the mentoree find his or her own way. (If they take our advice and something goes wrong, they will likely blame us, maybe without saying so!)

We summed up this session by looking at a handout on "How to Kill a Conversation": 

• Tell the speaker that the way he or she feels is wrong. “It’s silly to feel that way.”
• Don’t look at the person who is speaking to you.
• Sit slouched over, look distracted, drum your fingers on the table, or use some other body language to signal to the speaker that you’re not really interested.
• While the person is speaking, think about what you’re going to say in reply. It’s not possible to be forming your own words and concentrating on the speaker’s at the same time—so the response you’re planning is unlikely to be very useful.
• Be judgmental and challenging. Ask questions that put your mentoree on the spot: “Why didn’t you do better on the test?” “Why did you say that to her?” “How could you possibly think that?”
• Interrupt the person who is talking. Finish his or her sentences. Tell a long story of your own. (though self disclosure is sometimes appropriate) 
• On the phone – be totally silent, tap your keyboard, or do the dishes.

It is clear that all these obstacles are based on the mentor mistakenly putting their own agenda and needs before that of the mentoree. We reiterated the pattern of Focus, Guess and Check that we had learned earlier (see post 10). 

a. Focus  -  Clear your mind of distractions, agendas, and preconceived ideas. Notice your mentoree’s facial expression, gestures and body language as well as their choice of words. Acknowledge that you are listening by using minimal encouragers - nods, uhum - and          using open-ended questions, like how, why? to demonstrate "respectful curiosity"

b. Guess  - read between the lines to identify underlying feelings,  then paraphrase (restate in your own words) what you think they said, and what feeling was being expressed. Eg ‘you seem sad’. If you have noticed body language, describe it – 'you seem tearful at that idea', 'what was that sigh about?' Try not to pass judgment in loaded questions or your own body language.

c. Check out your understanding by listening to or watching the person’s response. If they seem disappointed or irritated, you may have got it wrong. That’s okay. Make that explicit – 'I don’t seem to have picked that up right' - and ask for clarification. You are trying to stand in their shoes. After a longer conversation try and give a brief summary of what has been expressed. This lets them know you are really interested.

Effective mentoring is about true listening  not just to the words but to the person behind the words.  

In a future post we'll look at The Crowded Room, or the prior concerns and expectations  we take into a mentoring conversation. We need to both recognise and ignore this 'mental baggage', and that is quite an elusive skill.  We may also revisit the session on "How religious should we be, in regards to  appropriate use of the Bible and other faith resources, so as to avoid pat answers and trite theology.  

Quote of the Day:

 “Easy listening exists only on the radio.” 

(David Barkan)

Which of the roadblocks do you recognise as your idiosyncratic weakness?

If you don't know, who could you ask to help you identify it?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

10. Being a Good Listener

We began this session with an old but very funny video clip from the Two Ronnies. It underlines the fact that you can both be speaking the same language but be talking past each other, eg asking for "Fork Handles" was heard as "Four Candles". But sensitive, empathetic, concentrated listening, to discover what people are really trying to communicate, is essential in an effective mentoring relationship (John Mallison, p29) 

In his popular book  Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,  Stephen Covey lists Habit 5 as Seek first to Understand.  He says: 

"If you're like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you're listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating."

Seek first not to be understood, but to understand.We will never understand unless we listen well. Interestingly most of the parables of Jesus conclude with the refrain “Let anyone who has ears, listen.” Each of the letters to the seven churches in the book of Revelation ends with "Anyone who has ears, listen to what the spirit is saying." And the letter of James says “Let everyone be quick to listen and slow to speak.” what food advice. We have two ears and one mouth. Jesus' parable of the sower stresses that the seeds that failed to grow stood for those who had not properly heard God's message. 

Personal growth often comes about because we experience this kind of listening. Mallison says "When someone gives us their undivided attention while we are speaking, and then through their thoughtful feedback prove they have understood what we have said, we are made to feel significant. We feel we matter to this person and they care about us and love us. When we really hear another person without passing judgement or trying to take responsibility, without trying to mould them, it relaxes them, builds confidence and trust and enables the release of deep feelings, despair and confusion. It enables a person to re-perceive their world in a new way."  

We brainstormed on to the whiteboard the important aspects of good listening, often called active listening. Here are the kind of responses we heard:

• user-friendly environment - think about noise, light, seating position, personal space.
• body language - receptive posture, eye contact, natural gestures, nodding
• open questions - invite the mentoree to say more than a one word answer, eg not did you go to the gym today but how is it going with the fitness plan?  
• encouragers - mmms and aaaahs, yeah, okay - these show emotional support. Use words that will invite them to continue: Tell me more, Let's talk about it.
• paraphrases - put what they said in your own words to test understanding and let them know they have been heard. Doesn't necessarily mean you agree; said with an 'implied question mark'.
• perception check  - is a more explicit way of doing this. "I think  I heard this; is that what you said/meant?"
• read between the lines: - be alert for things that have been left unsaid or for cues to the speaker's true feelings. Naming/clarifying those feelings is important in good listening 
• description - noticing behaviour such as tears, sighs, sitting forward on chair
• mirroring - adopting body postures, positions and movements that are similar to the speaker allow them to relax and open up more. Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person.
• affirmation - give positive feedback, but not to the point it sounds patronising.
• summary - especially at end of session, clarifies and integrates what has been covered
• allow for silence - this is often thinking time for the mentoree

That last point is picked up in an online article about Being a Good Listener.  The contributors say: "Stop talking!....One of the biggest obstacles to listening, for many people, is resisting the impulse thoughts. Many listeners think that empathy means sharing our own similar experiences. Both of these can be helpful, but they are easily abused. Put aside your own needs, and wait for the other person to talk at their own pace... active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily, and await appropriate breaks in the conversation for summarizing. "

An out of print training resource I have on my shelf uses this little trinity: Focus Guess and Check. (Cynthia Mellon, Friends and Beginnings, p) 

1. Focus – on the person, not on your mental baggage. Use few words sparingly.
2. Guess – after listening carefully, try and express your own idea of their underlying feelings.
3. Check  - their words and reactions to see if you have got it right. Use ‘I’ messages.
   If not, say so. Try again or ask for clarification.

Another way of saying this is "Make it Explicit!" Read between the lines and then describe what you think you have observed. If you are wrong they will tell you, verbally or in body language. Summarising what the speaker is saying and restating it in your own words  will reassure them that you have truly been listening, and allow them to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions.  Focus Guess and check is a good strategy to use  when the mentor finds themselves getting frustrated or restless. 

Our next session looked at Roadblocks to Communication - what not to do!

Quote of the Day:

A wise old owl lived in an oak, 

The more he saw the less he spoke

The less he spoke the more he heard.

Why can't we all be like that wise old bird? 

(unknown)

How good a listener are you right now? 
What steps could you take to develop a more helpful approach?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.