14. Affirmation and Encouragement

In this session we were reminded of the importance of helpful words with a quote from John Maxwell: “Remember, man does not live on bread alone; sometimes he needs a little buttering up.” 

Mentors must be encouragers. If a mentoree goes away discouraged, we have failed. There should always be a positive and helpful outcome. There will be times when we will speak firmly, even reprimand, but it must always be from a perspective of grace and hope. 

A fanciful story tells of the devil selling off some of his tools of trade to try to balance his budget! Evil spirits came in their hordes to buy. One alert spirit noticed a very impressive tool, not on the sale table. When he approached a supervisor to see if he could purchase it, he was told rather bluntly that it was one of the devils most effective tools and was definitely not for sale. That tool was Discouragement.

The world is full of discouragers. Not all on the devil's payroll; some people just wear the "black hat" a lot of the time. What we need are more Barnabases (sons and daughters of encouragement). Discouragement is an occupational hazard of followers of Jesus.

Discouraging words  can have a deep effect upon people; there are several reminders of this in the Bible. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Proverbs 18: 21) James tells us: 

It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.  This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

James 3: 5 - 10 Msg)

However affirming words can bring encouragement. "Good words can make the anxious heart glad" (Proverbs 12:25). Eliphas paid Job a great compliment: “Your words have put stumbling people on their feet, put fresh hope in people about to collapse (Job 4: 4 Msg). And the letter to the Hebrews instructs us to "warn each other daily….so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God (Heb 3:13 NLT) and to meet together and "spur each other on, as you see the big Day approaching" (Heb 10:25). 

In pairs, we recalled times when someone used words of discouragement or encouragement in a way that enriched our  life. In what ways did they do this? What effect did it have? Some shared about encouragement in spoken words, others of special letters. We noted the devastating effect that poorly-chosen words can have on us, especially in an email where the body language is not there to show, for example, that a criticism was lighthearted.

Encouragement is love expressed. It is an assurance of commitment to one another. It gives a sense of support, reduces fear, raises morale and gives confidence. Truth has more chance of affecting transformation in relationships where encouragement is practised. 

Some of us knew about the transactional analysis approach to psychology which introduced the notion of strokes, acts/words of  recognition, attention or responsiveness that one person gives another. The key idea is that people hunger for recognition, and that lacking positive attention, will seek whatever kind they can, even if it is negative. Strokes can therefore be positive - "warm fuzzies" - or negative -"cold pricklies"-  nicknames that originated from Claude Steiner's "Warm Fuzzy Tale".  In this story people mistakenly got the idea that there are only a finite number of warm fuzzies in the world and we therefore need to ration them. Its important in our relationships with mentorees, as well as in family workplace and community, that we realise loving affirmation is not a zero-sum game that can only be won if someone else loses.

Quote of the Day:

So the situation was very, very dismal and it all started because of the coming of the witch who made people believe that some day, when least expected, they might reach into their Warm Fuzzy Bag and find no more.

Not long ago, a young woman with big hips came to this unhappy land. She seemed not to have heard about the bad witch and was not worried about running out of Warm Fuzzies. She gave them out freely, even when not asked. They called her the Hip Woman and disapproved of her because she was giving the children the idea that they should not worry about running out of Warm Fuzzies. The children liked her very much because they felt good around her and they began to follow her example giving out Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it.

This made the grownups very worried. They passed a law that made it a criminal offense to give out Warm Fuzzies in a reckless manner or without a license. Many children, however, seemed not to care; and in spite of the law they continued to give each other Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it and always when asked. Because they were many, many children, almost as many as grown ups, it began to look as if maybe they would have their way......The struggle spread all over the land and is probably going on right were you live.

From A Warm Fuzzy Tale by Claude Steiner.

Who gave you a warm fuzzy today?

Who needs  one from you?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

13. Good Questions – Eliciting Reflection

The skill of asking good questions is a great catalyst in a mentoring relationship. John Mallison says they get the mentoree thinking for themselves, and build confidence as they have an active and not a passive role. They enable you to gather useful information, clarify issues, encourage reflection, and promote future action. 

Good Questions are part of the Cycle of Adult Learning. Apprenticeships are based on this approach, and it was used by Jesus. The cycle is based on the premise that every area and circumstance of life provides an environment for learning, for adults as much as children. Adult educators often refer to this reflection by reference to the work of David Kolb, who described the process as a circle, the learning cycle. 

A child experiences the learning cycle every day of their life.  First we have an experience - the child touches the stove and feels the pain. Then there is reflection - they associate this pain with the stove and think about the connection. Then comes the stage called forming a rule – they establish the idea that stoves  hurt if you touch them. And then they test this out in reality. They avoid hot stoves, and do not suggest further pain. After a while they may cautiously put their hand out to check if the rule is correct.  Experience-based learning in the adult world is often called reflective practice. As we reflect on our experiences, we work out what to repeat and what to change. We reality-test our plan, to see if our rule works. If it turns out badly, we may not do it again but we have still learned something. Life is a series of such experiences, reflections, theories and experiments. Children amass them by the hundreds as they grow, but we keep on learning into adult life as we develop and mature. The cycle gets repeated over and over, in a spiral of learning, where we reflect and change as a result of learning. 

So the four cycle stages are:
• Revisit our experiences
• Analyse what was happening
• Identify behaviour, ideas and feelings.
• Affirm the positive aspects; explore how to remove the negative aspects.
Mentoring is, at heart then, a form of experience-based learning, involving a conscious effort to process and learn from experiences.   Kolb also theorised that people also learn in different ways. Some like reading/writing, others to talk it out; still others would prefer a  tactile hands-on approach. Mentorees should reflect on what way they learn best, and give feedback.

A mentor can enhance learning by using good questions, as Jesus did. The best questions are Open Questions, that cannot be answered with a Yes or a No. At first we will have used empathetic listening, but in time we need to move into empowering listening. Empowering questions help the mentoree begin to reach their own conclusions about the concerns or issues being raised. Don't probe in a way that makes them defensive; aim to use questions that elicit a constructive response. Alan Pease, the Australian Communications expert  explains how to draw a person out with names, compliments and good questions. Good questions often use the five interrogatives:  How? When? What? Why? and Who? We can also alternate between Thinking - what do you think? - and Feeling - how do you feel? questions, as well as using action questions – what are you going to do next? - and spiritual questions – where is God in this situation?

We shared a handout (originally from Carey Baptist College) of High Impact Questions  that have been found helpful in allowing conversations to go deeper, and bring  insights to the person answering the questions. We know we have asked such a question when there is a pause and the mentoree says, “I’m going to have to think about the answer to this one.”  

Asking Good Questions

Looking at a problem…

• What do you think is the problem?

• What do you think is the cause of this problem?

• How long has this been true for you?

• What have you done so far to address this problem? Have any of those solutions worked for you?

Thinking about the problem…

• Do you think that you might be causing a part of the problem?

• What have you learned about your approach?

• What's the best thing that can happen for you?

• What's the worst that can happen to you? What do you think are your alternatives?

Thinking about the answers…

• What result do you want to achieve?

• What could you do that might lead to that “best case scenario”?

• What problems or obstacles might occur that would prevent that result?

• What can you do that might avoid problems or obstacles?

• Are there any alternative routes you could take to that same result?

• Which of your alternatives is most likely to lead to that result?

• How will you start the process?

• What will you do if the first plan does not work as well as you expect?

• What resources do you have that can help?

• How can I help you succeed?

Quote of the Day:
 Mentors can encourage young people to talk about their fears, dreams, and concerns. Staying neutral and not judging, but rather, sharing your own values, is important in listening. The other adults in the young person’s life may not have the time, interest, or ability to listen, or they may be judgmental. 

Remember, a mentor may be the ONLY adult in a youth’s life who listening.

(from a youth mentoring resource)

Is there a young person in your family, workplace or church who needs someone to listen? 

How can  you find empowering ways to draw out their fears, dreams and concerns? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

12. Role-plays of a Mentoring Conversation

The best way to test out your developing communication skills is by playing the role of mentor or mentoree in a safe training environment. We did this in Session Two of our Mentor Training by dividing into groups of four and practising conversations between a mentor and mentoree. We used the same scenario for both role-plays, with one version having a “mentor” who displayed poor listening/communication skills. In the second role-play, the “mentor” modelled effective listening and communication. Each group then chose one of their plays to present to the wider group. 

First, an example scenario was first used to demonstrate the concept. John was mentoring "Peter"  a student who is struggling financially and in conflict with his parents:

1) Poor Listening and Communicating
John:  Hi Pete, good to see you again
Peter:  Hi.
John: How’s your week been?
Peter: OK.
John: Just OK? I would have thought a young guy like you would have had a great week.
Peter: Well we've had uni exams.
John: I can remember what that’s like. It used to be pretty intense. Swot half the night and then the kids would go mad in the “Kiwi” or the “Big I” when it was all over.
Peter: Well I've got a few complications …
John: Yeah life is a bit more complex now. What have you got planned for the holidays?
Peter: Nothing much.
John: Will you get a job? You’ll need some money to keep that student loan down. I've warned you about the dangers of borrowing too much at your age.
Peter: Yeah but that’s just it…
John: A good holiday job is the answer… I’ll have a talk to some mates in business and get you sorted.
Peter: Well I’ve got to get the exams done first. And I’ve got a few issues with Dad. He wants me to help him paint the house while he’s out of work. He’s got to do it this summer but can’t he afford get a painter in. He’s being a bit unreasonable… he knows the money pressure I’m under.
John: Parents can seem a bit unreasonable at your age. Anyway let’s get down to business and sort out some long term life goals.
Peter:Yeah … whatever…    

 2) Better Listening and Communicating
John:  Hi Pete, good to see you again
Peter: Hi.
John: How’s your week been?
Peter: OK.
John: Just OK? What’s been going on this week then?
Peter: We've got uni exams.
John: and you’re under a bit of pressure?
Peter: More than a bit… and this money thing is just adding to it.
John: You’re worried about finances as well the exams.
Peter: Yeah I ran up over a hundred bucks in library fines when got behind on my assignments and if I don’t front with the money by the end of the month my exam results get cancelled.
John: And the whole semester gets wasted. Have you had any thoughts about sorting it out?
Peter: Well I want to get holiday job, if I can, but dad’s nutting off about helping him paint the house. He’s got to do it this summer but can’t afford a painter in while he’s out of work.   He’s being a total idiot … he knows the money pressure I’m under.
John:  No support when you really need it.
Peter: I don’t think he cares about my stuff, it’s all about him losing his job.
John: You want your dad’s support when you need it.
Peter: He doesn’t care about me.
John:  I’m hearing that you feel your dad has abandoned you when you need him.  I think we’ve got two issues to think through here. First let’s talk about some options for getting the library off your back and then we’ll talk about how we might get your dad to see how important it is for you to feel he’s there backing you, even if things are tight financially for him as well. Maybe we can help both of you really back each other up.  Now what ideas have you got for a summer job and maybe I can add some suggestions?

Scenarios for Good Communication/Bad Communication Role Plays 

1) Your mentoree is a single mum aged 21. She has just started polytech because her baby has turned three and can now go to the local church kindy for free, if she goes 5 mornings per week. But the baby has had flu and had to have a week at home. The mum has got behind with her assignments and thinks she might drop out.

2) Your mentoree has been chosen head prefect at the local high school for the coming year. He has been in the first fifteen rugby for 2 years, including the reps last season, and is a key leader in the church youth group. He has just been offered a rugby scholarship to go to an elite College for next year, but he must be a boarder in the high performance rugby class. He is struggling to know what to do.

3) Your mentoree became a Christian about 3 months ago through the Young Life youth worker at College. Old friends are putting pressure on them to come back into their party life style. They did go with them once, last Saturday night, and ended up getting stoned at a friend’s house. They feel very guilty about it.

4) Your mentoree has been in continual trouble (petty theft, tagging, fights) around the community for several years. They dropped out of school 2 years ago, but don't have  a job. Pressure from their Christian parents has led to them agreeing to work with a mentor for 1 year to try to change direction. The parents have told the mentor that their youngster is very good at music, dance and art work. 

5) Your mentoree comes from a very dysfunctional home but through 5 years in your youth group has matured into a fine and able young adult. They want to train as a lawyer and come back into their home community as a legal advisor for at-risk young people. However the parents want them to find a job or go on the dole so as to start paying serious board to help family finances. They have just told him/her that if that doesn't happen they can just move out.

6) Your mentoree is in year 13 and has been playing in the youth band for 3 years at church, as well as on an occasional Sunday morning. However the church worship leader has just said that unless they comes to the mid-week practice, they will have to leave both teams. The mentoree is under pressure at school, because he/she wants to get into architecture school and places are limited, but he/she is also a bit lazy and disorganised.     

After the role-play, we asked participants for feedback and used the responses to add items to our master lists of "good” and “bad listening” l The “mentor” could, for example, be non-supportive by asking, “What did you do wrong? or shut off communication by telling the mentoree what to do instead of listening and helping to draw him out.

We had a lot of fun and every one seemed to enjoy being a bad listener much more than modeling good communications!

Quote of the Day:

The practice of listening is a fundamental characteristic 

of manifesting redemptive relationships in community. 

It is Gods work, for when we learn to listen to our sisters and brothers, 

we welcome them as God does. 

(Dale Ziemer in Treasure in Clay Jars)

How do you "manifest redemptive relationships"? 

Do you think of active listening as the welcoming of God?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.