11. Roadblocks to Communication

We had started Week Two of our Mentor Training by thinking about what makes for good communication. We looked at what we say and do, but another way to look at it is to identify what not to say and do. If we flip it around and think about what it is that gets in the way, what puts up a wall, we can identify what Dr Tom Gordon of Parent Effectiveness movement  called the Roadblocks to Communication, the obstacles that hinder two-way traffic. One obvious roadblock is when someone walks away as you are speaking; you feel disappointed and abandoned, but there are some more subtle responses that have the same effect. 

Do any of these sound familiar? 

"Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same way." 
"I had that same thing happen to me." 
"Let me tell you what I did in a similar situation." 

We already mentioned the late Stephen Covey, whose book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People included the fifth habit, first seek to understand  He writes that most of us tend to "listen autobiographically" and then respond in one of four ways:

Evaluating: We judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing: We ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising: We give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting: We analyze others' motives and behaviors based on our own experiences.

Each of these points to a variant of the roadblocks to good listening.

We brainstormed onto a white board again:

• judging
• lecturing
• interrupting
• following own agenda
• telling own stories
• answering/texting on cellphone
• dismissing

We added to these some others that get in the way of deep connection:

1. Advising - which takes away the power of problem solving from the mentoree:  Here's what I think you should do... Let me suggest... Here's the best solution...
2. One-upping - which devalues the mentoree's experience by focusing on something autobiographical: You think that’s bad; let me tell you about my husband..... I felt like that when I won the National Talent Quest...
3. Educating - logic is an good problem-solving tool, but when it is used to block communication it can make the one with the problem feel inferior, or inadequate: Do you realize that... ? Experience tells us that ...   I can recommend a really good book...
4. Analysing - getting to the root of a problem can be helpful, but going too quickly to an underlying motivation circumvents communication that could help the mentoree find their own solution: You are just angry..... You're being paranoid....You have internalized your father’s rages so that any raised voice triggers that old fear.
5. Storytelling - wandering off into personal nostalgia takes the focus off the context at hand: I felt so much worse than that when I overdosed in 1972....Did I ever tell you what I did when my husband came home drunk? 
6. Minimising- communicates to the mentoree that their situation is not as important as they think it is. This blocks the energy for problem solving: Try not to think about it too much....Look at the positive side..... Well, at least he doesn’t hit you the way your father did.
7. Sympathising -  sharing similar feelings, especially in matters of grief and loss, can add to the burden: Oooh that is a horrible way to die... I feel frightened when I hear how angry he gets.
8. Interrogating -takes the problem out of the mentoree's hands and tells them that you are the expert and now in charge:  Why did you do that? So how often does she go into one of those rages? 
9. Reassuring - unrealistic attempts to console and make someone feel better (as compared with genuine affirmation of their strengths): You'll feel better tomorrow....Don't worry God will take care of it...Every dark cloud has a silver lining.
10. Avoiding  - some things do seem to fall into the too-hard basket  but evasion just buries the problem:  This topic is upsetting; let’s talk about something else... You'll soon grow out of feeling like that.
11. Diagnosing - the mentor tells the person what the problem is and how they should be  acting, limiting their ability to sort through the problem themselves: It sounds like you have become codependent... You need to change your thinking about anger...
12. Judging - labelling with messages of disparagement and ridicule are a significant barrier to empowering someone to grow as a person: You really stuffed up on this one.....Someone is a perfectionist....You are talking like an engineer.

Covey notes that some might respond, "Hey, now wait a minute. I'm just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?" In some situations, he says, autobiographical responses may be appropriate, eg, when another person specifically asks for your point of view. But what we mustn't do is interrupt with what we feel or think about the topic. We wait for them to ask our opinion, and even then avoid giving direct advice. We let the mentoree find his or her own way. (If they take our advice and something goes wrong, they will likely blame us, maybe without saying so!)

We summed up this session by looking at a handout on "How to Kill a Conversation": 

• Tell the speaker that the way he or she feels is wrong. “It’s silly to feel that way.”
• Don’t look at the person who is speaking to you.
• Sit slouched over, look distracted, drum your fingers on the table, or use some other body language to signal to the speaker that you’re not really interested.
• While the person is speaking, think about what you’re going to say in reply. It’s not possible to be forming your own words and concentrating on the speaker’s at the same time—so the response you’re planning is unlikely to be very useful.
• Be judgmental and challenging. Ask questions that put your mentoree on the spot: “Why didn’t you do better on the test?” “Why did you say that to her?” “How could you possibly think that?”
• Interrupt the person who is talking. Finish his or her sentences. Tell a long story of your own. (though self disclosure is sometimes appropriate) 
• On the phone – be totally silent, tap your keyboard, or do the dishes.

It is clear that all these obstacles are based on the mentor mistakenly putting their own agenda and needs before that of the mentoree. We reiterated the pattern of Focus, Guess and Check that we had learned earlier (see post 10). 

a. Focus  -  Clear your mind of distractions, agendas, and preconceived ideas. Notice your mentoree’s facial expression, gestures and body language as well as their choice of words. Acknowledge that you are listening by using minimal encouragers - nods, uhum - and          using open-ended questions, like how, why? to demonstrate "respectful curiosity"

b. Guess  - read between the lines to identify underlying feelings,  then paraphrase (restate in your own words) what you think they said, and what feeling was being expressed. Eg ‘you seem sad’. If you have noticed body language, describe it – 'you seem tearful at that idea', 'what was that sigh about?' Try not to pass judgment in loaded questions or your own body language.

c. Check out your understanding by listening to or watching the person’s response. If they seem disappointed or irritated, you may have got it wrong. That’s okay. Make that explicit – 'I don’t seem to have picked that up right' - and ask for clarification. You are trying to stand in their shoes. After a longer conversation try and give a brief summary of what has been expressed. This lets them know you are really interested.

Effective mentoring is about true listening  not just to the words but to the person behind the words.  

In a future post we'll look at The Crowded Room, or the prior concerns and expectations  we take into a mentoring conversation. We need to both recognise and ignore this 'mental baggage', and that is quite an elusive skill.  We may also revisit the session on "How religious should we be, in regards to  appropriate use of the Bible and other faith resources, so as to avoid pat answers and trite theology.  

Quote of the Day:

 “Easy listening exists only on the radio.” 

(David Barkan)

Which of the roadblocks do you recognise as your idiosyncratic weakness?

If you don't know, who could you ask to help you identify it?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

10. Being a Good Listener

We began this session with an old but very funny video clip from the Two Ronnies. It underlines the fact that you can both be speaking the same language but be talking past each other, eg asking for "Fork Handles" was heard as "Four Candles". But sensitive, empathetic, concentrated listening, to discover what people are really trying to communicate, is essential in an effective mentoring relationship (John Mallison, p29) 

In his popular book  Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,  Stephen Covey lists Habit 5 as Seek first to Understand.  He says: 

"If you're like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you're listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating."

Seek first not to be understood, but to understand.We will never understand unless we listen well. Interestingly most of the parables of Jesus conclude with the refrain “Let anyone who has ears, listen.” Each of the letters to the seven churches in the book of Revelation ends with "Anyone who has ears, listen to what the spirit is saying." And the letter of James says “Let everyone be quick to listen and slow to speak.” what food advice. We have two ears and one mouth. Jesus' parable of the sower stresses that the seeds that failed to grow stood for those who had not properly heard God's message. 

Personal growth often comes about because we experience this kind of listening. Mallison says "When someone gives us their undivided attention while we are speaking, and then through their thoughtful feedback prove they have understood what we have said, we are made to feel significant. We feel we matter to this person and they care about us and love us. When we really hear another person without passing judgement or trying to take responsibility, without trying to mould them, it relaxes them, builds confidence and trust and enables the release of deep feelings, despair and confusion. It enables a person to re-perceive their world in a new way."  

We brainstormed on to the whiteboard the important aspects of good listening, often called active listening. Here are the kind of responses we heard:

• user-friendly environment - think about noise, light, seating position, personal space.
• body language - receptive posture, eye contact, natural gestures, nodding
• open questions - invite the mentoree to say more than a one word answer, eg not did you go to the gym today but how is it going with the fitness plan?  
• encouragers - mmms and aaaahs, yeah, okay - these show emotional support. Use words that will invite them to continue: Tell me more, Let's talk about it.
• paraphrases - put what they said in your own words to test understanding and let them know they have been heard. Doesn't necessarily mean you agree; said with an 'implied question mark'.
• perception check  - is a more explicit way of doing this. "I think  I heard this; is that what you said/meant?"
• read between the lines: - be alert for things that have been left unsaid or for cues to the speaker's true feelings. Naming/clarifying those feelings is important in good listening 
• description - noticing behaviour such as tears, sighs, sitting forward on chair
• mirroring - adopting body postures, positions and movements that are similar to the speaker allow them to relax and open up more. Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person.
• affirmation - give positive feedback, but not to the point it sounds patronising.
• summary - especially at end of session, clarifies and integrates what has been covered
• allow for silence - this is often thinking time for the mentoree

That last point is picked up in an online article about Being a Good Listener.  The contributors say: "Stop talking!....One of the biggest obstacles to listening, for many people, is resisting the impulse thoughts. Many listeners think that empathy means sharing our own similar experiences. Both of these can be helpful, but they are easily abused. Put aside your own needs, and wait for the other person to talk at their own pace... active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily, and await appropriate breaks in the conversation for summarizing. "

An out of print training resource I have on my shelf uses this little trinity: Focus Guess and Check. (Cynthia Mellon, Friends and Beginnings, p) 

1. Focus – on the person, not on your mental baggage. Use few words sparingly.
2. Guess – after listening carefully, try and express your own idea of their underlying feelings.
3. Check  - their words and reactions to see if you have got it right. Use ‘I’ messages.
   If not, say so. Try again or ask for clarification.

Another way of saying this is "Make it Explicit!" Read between the lines and then describe what you think you have observed. If you are wrong they will tell you, verbally or in body language. Summarising what the speaker is saying and restating it in your own words  will reassure them that you have truly been listening, and allow them to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions.  Focus Guess and check is a good strategy to use  when the mentor finds themselves getting frustrated or restless. 

Our next session looked at Roadblocks to Communication - what not to do!

Quote of the Day:

A wise old owl lived in an oak, 

The more he saw the less he spoke

The less he spoke the more he heard.

Why can't we all be like that wise old bird? 

(unknown)

How good a listener are you right now? 
What steps could you take to develop a more helpful approach?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

9. Qualities of a Good Mentor

I have been blessed over sixty plus years to have some amazing people contribute to my life and leadership. My parents Bill and Tui, teachers like Miss Shirley Hansen, pastors like the late Owen Baragwaneth, and my nana Vera Maclennan. As an adult I have received encouragement and advice from counsellors, colleagues, and my brother Simon who is a minister down-country.  A brief example: once, when I was applying for a job before I ended up in the one I'm in now, I was downhearted at the requirement in the job description that the successful candidate be someone innovative. I am a cautious and responsible person and didn’t see myself as innovative.  But because Si had observed me at work over many years, he was able to point out a number of innovations I had led at my last church, never in a hurry but some of them quite radical. I now see innovation as one of my strengths, purely because of that mentoring conversation.

When we identify the Christian leaders who have had a positive influence on us - relatives, friends, teachers, leaders, ministers, we can usually name some qualities they have in common. Our group came up with this list: 

• availability 
• integrity
• grace
• good listener
• wisdom
• supportive
• understanding. 

In his chapter "What it Takes" in Mentoring to Develop Disciples and Leaders, Mallison adds in:

• Passionate - zealous and committed. If we find mentoring feels like a burden, perhaps it is not for us.
• Relational - able to develop rapport, and be interested and concerned with the mentoree as a person.
• Affirming, that is, believing in their mentoree and willing to tell them so. Even failures can be turned into genuine learning experiences.
• Open and Transparent - able to act with integrity and speak with authenticity. This enables them to ask the tough questions when needed.
• Trusting and Trustworthy, following up on commitments and able to keep confidences.
• Available - timing of face to face meetings should be agreed in advance but often there is a verbal agreement that the mentoree may phone or email when struggling with a difficult issue.
• Competent - in the areas in which the mentoree wants to grow. A person experienced in the business world may help a young adult with their career. An older mum may help a new parent with issues of child care. A minister with wide preaching experience may review a new pastor's sermons with a view to identifying their strengths and enhancing their skills. 
• Christ Centred and Prayerful - although as covered in Post  6, this will often be implicit rather than openly spoken about.

This is quite intimidating!  But Mallison, in another chapter, writes of having an adequate idea of God, whom he sees as the Great Mentor,  and a "sane estimate" of ourselves. This phrase comes from a verse in Romans,  where Paul is giving the believers advice about Christian living. 

"Don't cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance, 

but try to have a sane estimate of your capabilities..." 

(Rom. 12:3, Phillips)

A great mentor will not be overconfident but humble and teachable, having a “sane estimate” of their strengths. None of us can exhibit all the qualities named above; God uses wounded servants,  and by grace the dynamic in mentoring is both giving and receiving. Mallison notes two  important tensions:

1. We are both Image Bearers, who reflect God’s character, and can be channels of his grace, and Flawed, because of sin's impact on humanity, individually and together.
2. We are both Wounded,  by the brokenness of our world, and Healers, because being "in Christ" brings salvation and hope. 

These should help us have a truly sane estimate of ourselves.

Quote of the Day:

"Prayer leads you to see new paths and to hear new melodies in the air.

Prayer is the breath of your life which gives you freedom to go and to stay where you wish and to find the many signs which point out the way to a new land. 

Praying is not simply some necessary compartment in the daily schedule of a Christian or a source of support in time of need, nor is it restricted to Sunday mornings or mealtimes. Praying is living. It is eating and drinking, action and rest, 

teaching and learning, playing and working. 

Praying pervades every aspect of our lives. 

It is the unceasing recognition that God is wherever we are, 

always inviting us to come closer 

and to celebrate the divine gift of being alive. 

(Henri Nouwen, With Open Hands)

Try to recall a few Christian leaders who have had a positive influence on you  - relatives, friends, teachers, leaders, ministers, and more.  Name them out loud, and be thankful. Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.

8. Faith-based Mentoring

Is Mentoring only for Christians? No!  

The Mentor Training events for which this blogspot is an archive were the result of a partnership between two Baptist Churches. The first two cohorts of trainees were recruited from the two Christian congregations and were all followers of Jesus. The text we have used was written by an Australian Methodist minister, and many of the additional training materials we have used have been sourced from Christian organisations such as Faith Centred Mentoring and InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. However we have also sourced helpful articles from a wide range of secular groups including Big Brothers/Big Sisters, Education Departments,  medical practitioner mentors, and Peer Support organisations. The wisdom of mentoring is certainly not confined to the faith community.

However Mallison includes in his book and slides a number of references to  “Christ-centered people-helping” and even goes so far as to claim it is a "foundational quality for Christian mentoring" (MDDL p 64). What does he mean? Is mentoring  the same as discipleship training? How do we balance respect for the other with our own integrity? So in our first training session we asked, "How religious should we be?" (Note: boundaries will come up again in a later post, relating to Part Three of our Course, so this is just an initial foray). 

Our leader for this teaching slot, John, made some distinctions between mentoring and discipling. The latter of course is when a more mature Christian is helping a new follower of Jesus learn about the faith, and how to practise the disciplines of the Christian life. But our mentoree may or may be a committed follower of Christ. They may be a seeker on a journey of discovery  or they may show antipathy, or simply not care. In those cases, they will not understand much about Jesus, the Bible or faith, they will not be familiar with what Christians do together,  such as praying,  and they could have quite different priorities of life from their mentor. In this context, we asked, who sets the agenda and the themes to be covered? 

We were agreed that ultimately the client - the mentoree - is the focus, and their priorities will have the major influence on directions and goals. That said, part of a mentor's task is to stretch their client, and help them discover their strengths and maximise their growth. That may include a blossoming awareness of the spiritual dimensions to life and living. John noted six points where the mentor's spirituality could come into play: 

1. Discovering our Potential takes on an extra dimension when we understand that it is God's potential we seek.  God looks on the heart, and can see beauty and hope where we just see brokenness and flaws. 
2. Our understanding of Spiritual Gifts also brings an awareness of untapped areas of usefulness as well as an acknowledgement of our limitations.
3. The undergirding of prayer is hugely important in a mentoring relationship, but we have to sensitively think through how it can work. In some situations the Christian practice of spoken prayer will be utterly inappropriate.  What then to do? Certainly we can pray for our mentoree privately, before and after the session.  If our mentor knows we pray, we can ask them for prayer topics that we can bring to God later. They may even be willing for us to pray for them at the end of the session, as long as they know they don't have to contribute.  In all of this we can ourselves pray for discernment, for wisdom, insight and  freedom from spiritual oppression.
4. Christian hope is founded on the Easter Story, the truth that God can change lives and bring life out of death. That firm belief in God's transforming power is a resource we carry deep within us as followers of Jesus.
5. We also have our own story  and can tell it in appropriate ways at the appropriate time. Mentorees are not there to be preached to, but when they see and wonder, we may have the opportunity to tell something of our own faith journey, and the "reason for our hope". 
6. John's favourite verse and one we hark back to often in our faith community, is found in Colossians 1: 26 - 27. "The mystery that has been hidden throughout the ages and generations but has now been revealed to his saints. …  is Christ in you, the hope of glory.”  The treasure in our human "jars of clay" is the risen Christ, who is present in Holy Spirit power in every mentoring conversation, whether made explicit or not.  That is great cause for confidence.

Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15: 5)  The flip side of that with Christ we can be different and can make a difference.  There is more that could be said about "Christ-Centred People Helping", perhaps in acknowledging world views, the theology of sin and the reality of spiritual warfare, but  not in this post. We can, and perhaps should, say that where both mentor and mentoree are comfortable with explicit faith language and concerns, the relationship is deepened and enriched. This is true discipling, and can usefully employ many of the skills introduced in this training programme. 

Quote of the Day: 

"We think that over the ages, Christ’s version of Discipling has often been reduced to 

“small-d discipling.” Believers’ attention has wandered, and discipling has often been watered down to reluctant pairs tentatively plodding through workbooks and lessons while avoiding many of the issues, pains, and passions of each other’s lives. By adopting the term “Christ-centered mentoring,” we want to re-establish the importance of Christ’s original intention and vision to transform His followers’ lives in every aspect."

(Brian and Linda Jones, Californian psychologists and founders of The Mentoring Group) 

Have you thought about the sensitive issue of how "religious" to be in a mentor situation? 
How can you rely on God's presence and power whether it is made explicit or not? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.

7. "Who I Am" Ice Breaker

This icebreaker is used in many different forms in different contexts and for many different reasons, and will be familiar to many. In our case we had a mixed group of people who knew each other well and others who had met for the first time that day. In pairing folk up we encouraged them to find someone they didn't know, but because of numbers it didn't always pan out that way. Nevertheless the exercise was great fun and built trust and rapport in a beautiful way. 

I acknowledge that the handout we used for this exercise was based on one in Training New Mentors, a booklet published in 2007 by The National Mentoring Center at Northwest Regional Educational Laboratory in Oregon. 

INTRODUCTIONS ICEBREAKER
Objective: 

To provide an experience that is somewhat parallel to the first meeting with a  mentoree

Length:  
30 - 40 minutes 
Handout:

"Who I am"  

If you have name tags, do not hand them out until the end of the activity.  

Tell participants you want them to introduce themselves to one another. Organize the group into pairs, (try and pair people who do not know each other well.) Then distribute the handout with open-ended questions. Each pair uses the handout as a guide for having a conversation in which they introduce themselves and learn about one another; each person should have about ten minutes each to respond. After twenty minutes each person introduces their partner to the whole group - allow about one minute per person. (We couldn't keep to that!!!)

Icebreaker Handout: Who I Am
• My name is …
• My most important role in life is …
• Outside the home I  …
• When I need to relax I ….
• One thing about me that is important for people to know is…
• Some of the strengths I will bring to a mentoring relationship are…
• One of my worries about being a mentor is…
• One thing I hope to gain from being a mentor is …
• The most important thing a mentoree will gain …

This exercise can lead into a discussion about how this activity is similar to starting a new relationship with a mentoree. How did it feel to reveal things about themselves? Did their partner do or say anything to help them open up? If so, what?

Quote of the Week: 

    "We must appreciate the relational nature of mentoring. 

Like all living things, mentoring relationships will deteriorate if they are not maintained.  

Remember there is no formula, no ideal model, and no programme of steps to success.  

We must work hard at nurturing the connection between us."      

(Charles Hewlett, Principal, Carey Baptist College)

Do you have an easy way to develop rapport with someone, 

or a surefire open-ended question? 

Why not post a comment and tell us? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

6. Strengths Based Mentoring

The session on Encouraging made brief mention of the “strengths approach,” which has its origins in the social sciences.   A strength is something we consistently do well, a combination of talents,  knowledge and skills, that are enduring and unique. A person's greatest potential for growth is in the area of their greatest strength, and mentoring can help to identify and affirm these. When look to match our strengths to our roles at work, home and in the community,we enjoy what we are doing because we are using our true talents. 

Today the strengths movement is found everywhere: in the corporate world, the public service, in economics, education, and faith. Why? Because it works  It has proved far more effective to build organizations around what works rather than try and fix what doesn't. This approach has direct relevance to the mentor relationship, so I will offer a basic summary here, and suggest if the paradigm appeals to you, you can read some of the books by writers like Charles Rapp and Marcus Buckingham. 

A definition to start with:

A strength is a unique configuration of Talent + Knowledge + Skills. Strengths allow us to produce consistent competent performance in a certain activity.. 

• Talents are naturally recurring patterns of thought, feeling or behavior that can be productively applied. Talents come easily to us and we often don’t recognize them as such. For example, I have always been able to sing in tune. It comes naturally. But it's a talent my brother doesn't have. On the other hand, he is much better at connecting with strangers than I am. Each person's talents are enduring and unique; not everyone can do the same things.
• Knowledge comprises facts and lessons learned. This includes factual knowledge such as the models of iPhone, or where to buy peastraw, and experiential knowledge such as what will help a baby get to sleep. 
• Skills, on the other hand, are the steps of an activity, such as how to drive a  car or make a lasagne. Skills bring structure to experiential knowledge. 

The Gallup research organisation has identified 34 dominant "themes" of talent with thousands of possible combinations. You can find a list of these at strengthstest.com. 33 million combinations of the top 5 themes are possible and each is interwoven and modified by association. Themes have little to say about what field you should be in, and only offer some directional guidance on what role you should play within your chosen field. The undergirding premise is that within an organisation or as an individual, we reach our best potential by matching our strengths to our roles and enjoying putting our true talents to work. Many people however do not know what their strengths are, or how to describe them. This makes it hard to build one's life around them.  Our society (made up of parents, teachers, employers and therapists)  is fixated, says this paradigm,  with trying to repair our weaknesses, leaving our strengths lying dormant. An individual development plan for an employee or student will often focus on these areas of weakness or work to minimize them. But capitalising on our strengths is a better use of energy.  Certainly "fatal" weaknesses must be addressed; delusion, or not realizing you are failing, and denial, or finding reasons why your failures have nothing to do with you, are dangerous flaws, especially in combination. And there are basic areas (communicating, listening, organization) where you need some level of ability or they will undermine your real strengths. In general, though, we are better to manage ourselves around our weaknesses by say, employing a person or practice that mitigates against them. Ask yourself if the weakness is a skills weakness, a knowledge weakness or a talent weakness. If  you can't decide, acquire by training or practice, the skills and knowledge you need in a certain area, and if your performance is still deficient, you probably lack the talent. Find a coworker or partner with complementary  themes, and tell your team you are going stop doing things you aren't good at.

A person cannot have a strength without having the requisite talent. Skills will help them perform but not necessarily excel. For example, we may learn the basic steps of public speaking and even become a better public speaker than we were before. But without the natural talent, we will never be great at it. This means a mentoring relationship will be more successful if we help out mentoree identify their talents,  refine them with knowledge and skills and build them into strengths. Talents not only come naturally to us, but are also accompanied by an “it feels good” quality. So it not only feels natural to use them, it feels good too. "When we exploit our natural abilities, we can't help but succeed". 

Mentorees can be coached to monitor their reactions to life situations they encounter in order to identify their talents. The 2001 book "Now, Discover Your Strengths" by Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton suggests we notice: 

• Yearnings – activities you are drawn to naturally, particularly at a young age. You may not heed the desire to cultivate them because you are busy doing other things, but they will keep “calling out” to you.
• Rapid Learning – an ability to rapidly learn a new skill will give us clues to a talent’s presence.
• Satisfactions – since it “feels good” to use a talent, if doing something makes you feel really good or satisfied, it may be a natural talent. This shouldn’t be confused with the idea that “if it feels good, do it”. Obviously this applies to productive behaviors only, as the definition of talent implies.

Each person's greatest potential for growth is in the area of his or her strengths. Encouragement, which we agreed is the core of good mentoring, can be enriched by an understanding of the strengths-based approach. 

Quote of the Day: 

"Conventional wisdom tells us that we learn from our mistakes. The strengths movement says that all we learn from mistakes are the characteristics of mistakes. 

If we want to learn about our successes, we must study successes." 

(Marcus Buckingham).

Can you name some of your talents, knowledge and skills?

Which of the 34 themes can you identify as your constellation of strengths? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.  

5. Jesus, Our Role Model

This material is taken more or less directly from our text book by the late John Mallison: Mentoring to Develop Disciples and Leaders

JESUS our PRIME MODEL

Jesus provides our one true model, message and method to direct our mentoring under the guidance and empowering of the Holy Spirit. Mark tells us “he appointed twelve that they might be with him” (Mark 3: 14) He moulded these disciples by sharing his life with them. He demonstrated how to bring pleasure to God, and how best to serve and honour him so that others would take God seriously and give him his rightful place in their lives. We can learn how he went about being with his disciples, from their immature first steps to their becoming leaders who would be strong pillars of his kingdom, after their Pentecost experience. He provides not only our best example but he is our own best mentor. To reflect to any worthwhile degree on the way he moulded the lives of the twelve, we also need to share his life.

However it is vital to appreciate that there was one regular aspect of his life in which, until  Gethsemane, the disciples participated only indirectly. Those were his times of solitude with his Father when, before dawn and at least once, all night, he maintained that intimacy which undergirded and empowered his whole life and ministry (Mark 1 :35; Luke 6:12-15).  Here is probably the greatest lesson we must keep learning - to find and frequent our places of solitude, our desert place, our retreat, where as our Lord did, we can take unhurried time to keep God in the centre.

His BEING: 

Probably what the disciples would remember best from being continually with Jesus was who he was as a Person - his character, his integrity, his credibility, his uniqueness. Growth of their characters was Jesus’ primary concern. Essentially this happened by observation, and as they participated in his simple lifestyle and his dynamic ministry (Matt 8:20).The disciples were continually exposed to his genuine compassion for everyone: the poor and the sick (Mark 1:41; Luke 7: 13),  the crowds with their varied needs (Matt 9:36); those with status (Mark 10:21) and even those who rejected him (Matt 23:37). They were staggered by his servant leadership and great  humility (Matt 9:10; Luke 22: 27; John 13: 5 – 17; 2 Cor 8: 9; Phil 2: 7 – 8). They were awed by his wise teaching (Matt 7: 29) and miracle power (Mark 1:23-26; Matt 8:23-27; Matt 9:18-26) but also stunned with the vehemence of his righteous indignation against hypocrisy (Matt 23:1-26) and injustice (Mark 11:15-18).

They were impressed by his concern for the weak and marginalised. Little children had ready access to him (Mark 10: 13 – 16) and a despised Samaritan, rather than a religious Jew, was the ‘good’ man in his famous parable (Luke 10: 25 – 37)

What a challenge Jesus presents to us, as mentors, to become like him. Our credibility, our believability is so important, but this is not something we generate entirely in our own strength.  Paul’s teaching on ‘life by the Spirit’ (Gal 5:16-25) portrays quality of character as fruit which is reproduced in us as we seek to “live in the Spirit - keep in step with the Spirit”, and as we abide in him (John 15).

HIS WORDS: 

What Jesus said indeed proved to be words of life (John 6: 68)  He spoke plainly so all understood, always enabling listeners to make  practical application (eg Matthew chapters 5, 6 and 7). They note,  along with the crowd, that when he spoke he had an influence, a power to engender obedience, an authority unlike any other teacher (Matt 7: 28,29).

He used everyday events as real-life case studies (Mark 9:14-29; 10:23-31). When they weren’t at hand, he used parables, imaginary stories, as case studies to ground their understanding (Mark 4: 1-34); we would say he blended cognitive and behavioural learning styles.

He never compromised the truth even when he knew it would offend and he would lose apparent supporters (John 6:60). The disciples were admonished when they made mistakes (17:14-21), corrected when they thought wrongly (Matt 18:21, 22; 19: 13-15; Mark 16: 14), affirmed for their increase in knowledge and discernment (Matt 16:17-19), and encouraged when they were successful (Luke 10:21-24).

Jesus also stressed to his disciples the indispensability of the empowerment of the Holy Spirit for every aspect of their being, words and deeds (John 14:15-17, 25, 26; 15:26; 16:5-15; Acts 1: 4,5,8). The disciples would heartily agree with the temple guards who were part of the conspiracy to destroy him, ‘No-one ever spoke the way this man does’ (John 7: 46) What a model to follow!

HIS DEEDS: 

The disciples would echo the crowd’s response to his miracles “we have never seen anything like this’ (Mark 2:12). They soon became convinced that all Jesus’ ministry was motivated by divine love. He instructed them that love must be the badge of their discipleship, ‘the very spring of all their actions’, they must love as he loved (John 13:34; 15:12, 13, 17; 2 Cor 5:14). They must have been almost overwhelmed that Jesus entrusted his ministry to them with remarkable results. He practised true mutuality in ministry, not to make his task lighter but to help them develop, in order to continue his ministry after his ascension (Matt 28:16-20; Mark 6: 7-13). Was Jesus inviting his disciples to actually perform the miracle of feeding the 5,000 when he said, ‘You give them something to eat?’ If so, they missed a mind-blowing opportunity when they looked to their own limited resources rather than trusting in God’ -Mark 6:37,38). He chided them when they failed, but stood by them, helping them to learn by reflecting on the event -Mark 9:14-29.

The outcome Christ desired in his mentorees, who were initially unlikely choices as future leaders, was to produce people who could bear witness to him in all they said and did. And what remarkable witnesses and leaders the disciples became:  prayerful, faithful, Christ-like, obedient, courageous, authoritative,  full of compassion, effective in calling people to faith and nurturing and equipping them for ministry. They were instrumental in changing the course of history.

Quote of the Day: 

All biblical mentoring then is under-mentoring. 

Jesus Christ is the real and decisive agent in Christian mentoring. 

We cannot bring about change in our mentorees,

 yet we can influence them to be changed by Jesus Christ. 

Therefore we must not regard him as the mentor of the past only, 

but as mentor in the present as well. 

Jesus’ mentoring prototype is not merely a static blueprint of days past, 

it is operational as a formative power through the Holy Spirit today. 

In our day and age the Master’s promise, ‘Come follow me, and I will make you fish for people’ (cf Matt 4:19) has lost neither its validity nor its authority. 

The Lord Jesus as our coaching model seeks more than our mere interest in him 

as an historical forerunner; he claims our trust as our present enabler.”

(Günter Krallman)

How are you doing at bearing witness to Jesus in all you say and do? 

What might help you become more Christlike?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.