14. Affirmation and Encouragement

In this session we were reminded of the importance of helpful words with a quote from John Maxwell: “Remember, man does not live on bread alone; sometimes he needs a little buttering up.” 

Mentors must be encouragers. If a mentoree goes away discouraged, we have failed. There should always be a positive and helpful outcome. There will be times when we will speak firmly, even reprimand, but it must always be from a perspective of grace and hope. 

A fanciful story tells of the devil selling off some of his tools of trade to try to balance his budget! Evil spirits came in their hordes to buy. One alert spirit noticed a very impressive tool, not on the sale table. When he approached a supervisor to see if he could purchase it, he was told rather bluntly that it was one of the devils most effective tools and was definitely not for sale. That tool was Discouragement.

The world is full of discouragers. Not all on the devil's payroll; some people just wear the "black hat" a lot of the time. What we need are more Barnabases (sons and daughters of encouragement). Discouragement is an occupational hazard of followers of Jesus.

Discouraging words  can have a deep effect upon people; there are several reminders of this in the Bible. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Proverbs 18: 21) James tells us: 

It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.  This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

James 3: 5 - 10 Msg)

However affirming words can bring encouragement. "Good words can make the anxious heart glad" (Proverbs 12:25). Eliphas paid Job a great compliment: “Your words have put stumbling people on their feet, put fresh hope in people about to collapse (Job 4: 4 Msg). And the letter to the Hebrews instructs us to "warn each other daily….so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God (Heb 3:13 NLT) and to meet together and "spur each other on, as you see the big Day approaching" (Heb 10:25). 

In pairs, we recalled times when someone used words of discouragement or encouragement in a way that enriched our  life. In what ways did they do this? What effect did it have? Some shared about encouragement in spoken words, others of special letters. We noted the devastating effect that poorly-chosen words can have on us, especially in an email where the body language is not there to show, for example, that a criticism was lighthearted.

Encouragement is love expressed. It is an assurance of commitment to one another. It gives a sense of support, reduces fear, raises morale and gives confidence. Truth has more chance of affecting transformation in relationships where encouragement is practised. 

Some of us knew about the transactional analysis approach to psychology which introduced the notion of strokes, acts/words of  recognition, attention or responsiveness that one person gives another. The key idea is that people hunger for recognition, and that lacking positive attention, will seek whatever kind they can, even if it is negative. Strokes can therefore be positive - "warm fuzzies" - or negative -"cold pricklies"-  nicknames that originated from Claude Steiner's "Warm Fuzzy Tale".  In this story people mistakenly got the idea that there are only a finite number of warm fuzzies in the world and we therefore need to ration them. Its important in our relationships with mentorees, as well as in family workplace and community, that we realise loving affirmation is not a zero-sum game that can only be won if someone else loses.

Quote of the Day:

So the situation was very, very dismal and it all started because of the coming of the witch who made people believe that some day, when least expected, they might reach into their Warm Fuzzy Bag and find no more.

Not long ago, a young woman with big hips came to this unhappy land. She seemed not to have heard about the bad witch and was not worried about running out of Warm Fuzzies. She gave them out freely, even when not asked. They called her the Hip Woman and disapproved of her because she was giving the children the idea that they should not worry about running out of Warm Fuzzies. The children liked her very much because they felt good around her and they began to follow her example giving out Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it.

This made the grownups very worried. They passed a law that made it a criminal offense to give out Warm Fuzzies in a reckless manner or without a license. Many children, however, seemed not to care; and in spite of the law they continued to give each other Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it and always when asked. Because they were many, many children, almost as many as grown ups, it began to look as if maybe they would have their way......The struggle spread all over the land and is probably going on right were you live.

From A Warm Fuzzy Tale by Claude Steiner.

Who gave you a warm fuzzy today?

Who needs  one from you?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

13. Good Questions – Eliciting Reflection

The skill of asking good questions is a great catalyst in a mentoring relationship. John Mallison says they get the mentoree thinking for themselves, and build confidence as they have an active and not a passive role. They enable you to gather useful information, clarify issues, encourage reflection, and promote future action. 

Good Questions are part of the Cycle of Adult Learning. Apprenticeships are based on this approach, and it was used by Jesus. The cycle is based on the premise that every area and circumstance of life provides an environment for learning, for adults as much as children. Adult educators often refer to this reflection by reference to the work of David Kolb, who described the process as a circle, the learning cycle. 

A child experiences the learning cycle every day of their life.  First we have an experience - the child touches the stove and feels the pain. Then there is reflection - they associate this pain with the stove and think about the connection. Then comes the stage called forming a rule – they establish the idea that stoves  hurt if you touch them. And then they test this out in reality. They avoid hot stoves, and do not suggest further pain. After a while they may cautiously put their hand out to check if the rule is correct.  Experience-based learning in the adult world is often called reflective practice. As we reflect on our experiences, we work out what to repeat and what to change. We reality-test our plan, to see if our rule works. If it turns out badly, we may not do it again but we have still learned something. Life is a series of such experiences, reflections, theories and experiments. Children amass them by the hundreds as they grow, but we keep on learning into adult life as we develop and mature. The cycle gets repeated over and over, in a spiral of learning, where we reflect and change as a result of learning. 

So the four cycle stages are:
• Revisit our experiences
• Analyse what was happening
• Identify behaviour, ideas and feelings.
• Affirm the positive aspects; explore how to remove the negative aspects.
Mentoring is, at heart then, a form of experience-based learning, involving a conscious effort to process and learn from experiences.   Kolb also theorised that people also learn in different ways. Some like reading/writing, others to talk it out; still others would prefer a  tactile hands-on approach. Mentorees should reflect on what way they learn best, and give feedback.

A mentor can enhance learning by using good questions, as Jesus did. The best questions are Open Questions, that cannot be answered with a Yes or a No. At first we will have used empathetic listening, but in time we need to move into empowering listening. Empowering questions help the mentoree begin to reach their own conclusions about the concerns or issues being raised. Don't probe in a way that makes them defensive; aim to use questions that elicit a constructive response. Alan Pease, the Australian Communications expert  explains how to draw a person out with names, compliments and good questions. Good questions often use the five interrogatives:  How? When? What? Why? and Who? We can also alternate between Thinking - what do you think? - and Feeling - how do you feel? questions, as well as using action questions – what are you going to do next? - and spiritual questions – where is God in this situation?

We shared a handout (originally from Carey Baptist College) of High Impact Questions  that have been found helpful in allowing conversations to go deeper, and bring  insights to the person answering the questions. We know we have asked such a question when there is a pause and the mentoree says, “I’m going to have to think about the answer to this one.”  

Asking Good Questions

Looking at a problem…

• What do you think is the problem?

• What do you think is the cause of this problem?

• How long has this been true for you?

• What have you done so far to address this problem? Have any of those solutions worked for you?

Thinking about the problem…

• Do you think that you might be causing a part of the problem?

• What have you learned about your approach?

• What's the best thing that can happen for you?

• What's the worst that can happen to you? What do you think are your alternatives?

Thinking about the answers…

• What result do you want to achieve?

• What could you do that might lead to that “best case scenario”?

• What problems or obstacles might occur that would prevent that result?

• What can you do that might avoid problems or obstacles?

• Are there any alternative routes you could take to that same result?

• Which of your alternatives is most likely to lead to that result?

• How will you start the process?

• What will you do if the first plan does not work as well as you expect?

• What resources do you have that can help?

• How can I help you succeed?

Quote of the Day:
 Mentors can encourage young people to talk about their fears, dreams, and concerns. Staying neutral and not judging, but rather, sharing your own values, is important in listening. The other adults in the young person’s life may not have the time, interest, or ability to listen, or they may be judgmental. 

Remember, a mentor may be the ONLY adult in a youth’s life who listening.

(from a youth mentoring resource)

Is there a young person in your family, workplace or church who needs someone to listen? 

How can  you find empowering ways to draw out their fears, dreams and concerns? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

12. Role-plays of a Mentoring Conversation

The best way to test out your developing communication skills is by playing the role of mentor or mentoree in a safe training environment. We did this in Session Two of our Mentor Training by dividing into groups of four and practising conversations between a mentor and mentoree. We used the same scenario for both role-plays, with one version having a “mentor” who displayed poor listening/communication skills. In the second role-play, the “mentor” modelled effective listening and communication. Each group then chose one of their plays to present to the wider group. 

First, an example scenario was first used to demonstrate the concept. John was mentoring "Peter"  a student who is struggling financially and in conflict with his parents:

1) Poor Listening and Communicating
John:  Hi Pete, good to see you again
Peter:  Hi.
John: How’s your week been?
Peter: OK.
John: Just OK? I would have thought a young guy like you would have had a great week.
Peter: Well we've had uni exams.
John: I can remember what that’s like. It used to be pretty intense. Swot half the night and then the kids would go mad in the “Kiwi” or the “Big I” when it was all over.
Peter: Well I've got a few complications …
John: Yeah life is a bit more complex now. What have you got planned for the holidays?
Peter: Nothing much.
John: Will you get a job? You’ll need some money to keep that student loan down. I've warned you about the dangers of borrowing too much at your age.
Peter: Yeah but that’s just it…
John: A good holiday job is the answer… I’ll have a talk to some mates in business and get you sorted.
Peter: Well I’ve got to get the exams done first. And I’ve got a few issues with Dad. He wants me to help him paint the house while he’s out of work. He’s got to do it this summer but can’t he afford get a painter in. He’s being a bit unreasonable… he knows the money pressure I’m under.
John: Parents can seem a bit unreasonable at your age. Anyway let’s get down to business and sort out some long term life goals.
Peter:Yeah … whatever…    

 2) Better Listening and Communicating
John:  Hi Pete, good to see you again
Peter: Hi.
John: How’s your week been?
Peter: OK.
John: Just OK? What’s been going on this week then?
Peter: We've got uni exams.
John: and you’re under a bit of pressure?
Peter: More than a bit… and this money thing is just adding to it.
John: You’re worried about finances as well the exams.
Peter: Yeah I ran up over a hundred bucks in library fines when got behind on my assignments and if I don’t front with the money by the end of the month my exam results get cancelled.
John: And the whole semester gets wasted. Have you had any thoughts about sorting it out?
Peter: Well I want to get holiday job, if I can, but dad’s nutting off about helping him paint the house. He’s got to do it this summer but can’t afford a painter in while he’s out of work.   He’s being a total idiot … he knows the money pressure I’m under.
John:  No support when you really need it.
Peter: I don’t think he cares about my stuff, it’s all about him losing his job.
John: You want your dad’s support when you need it.
Peter: He doesn’t care about me.
John:  I’m hearing that you feel your dad has abandoned you when you need him.  I think we’ve got two issues to think through here. First let’s talk about some options for getting the library off your back and then we’ll talk about how we might get your dad to see how important it is for you to feel he’s there backing you, even if things are tight financially for him as well. Maybe we can help both of you really back each other up.  Now what ideas have you got for a summer job and maybe I can add some suggestions?

Scenarios for Good Communication/Bad Communication Role Plays 

1) Your mentoree is a single mum aged 21. She has just started polytech because her baby has turned three and can now go to the local church kindy for free, if she goes 5 mornings per week. But the baby has had flu and had to have a week at home. The mum has got behind with her assignments and thinks she might drop out.

2) Your mentoree has been chosen head prefect at the local high school for the coming year. He has been in the first fifteen rugby for 2 years, including the reps last season, and is a key leader in the church youth group. He has just been offered a rugby scholarship to go to an elite College for next year, but he must be a boarder in the high performance rugby class. He is struggling to know what to do.

3) Your mentoree became a Christian about 3 months ago through the Young Life youth worker at College. Old friends are putting pressure on them to come back into their party life style. They did go with them once, last Saturday night, and ended up getting stoned at a friend’s house. They feel very guilty about it.

4) Your mentoree has been in continual trouble (petty theft, tagging, fights) around the community for several years. They dropped out of school 2 years ago, but don't have  a job. Pressure from their Christian parents has led to them agreeing to work with a mentor for 1 year to try to change direction. The parents have told the mentor that their youngster is very good at music, dance and art work. 

5) Your mentoree comes from a very dysfunctional home but through 5 years in your youth group has matured into a fine and able young adult. They want to train as a lawyer and come back into their home community as a legal advisor for at-risk young people. However the parents want them to find a job or go on the dole so as to start paying serious board to help family finances. They have just told him/her that if that doesn't happen they can just move out.

6) Your mentoree is in year 13 and has been playing in the youth band for 3 years at church, as well as on an occasional Sunday morning. However the church worship leader has just said that unless they comes to the mid-week practice, they will have to leave both teams. The mentoree is under pressure at school, because he/she wants to get into architecture school and places are limited, but he/she is also a bit lazy and disorganised.     

After the role-play, we asked participants for feedback and used the responses to add items to our master lists of "good” and “bad listening” l The “mentor” could, for example, be non-supportive by asking, “What did you do wrong? or shut off communication by telling the mentoree what to do instead of listening and helping to draw him out.

We had a lot of fun and every one seemed to enjoy being a bad listener much more than modeling good communications!

Quote of the Day:

The practice of listening is a fundamental characteristic 

of manifesting redemptive relationships in community. 

It is Gods work, for when we learn to listen to our sisters and brothers, 

we welcome them as God does. 

(Dale Ziemer in Treasure in Clay Jars)

How do you "manifest redemptive relationships"? 

Do you think of active listening as the welcoming of God?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

11. Roadblocks to Communication

We had started Week Two of our Mentor Training by thinking about what makes for good communication. We looked at what we say and do, but another way to look at it is to identify what not to say and do. If we flip it around and think about what it is that gets in the way, what puts up a wall, we can identify what Dr Tom Gordon of Parent Effectiveness movement  called the Roadblocks to Communication, the obstacles that hinder two-way traffic. One obvious roadblock is when someone walks away as you are speaking; you feel disappointed and abandoned, but there are some more subtle responses that have the same effect. 

Do any of these sound familiar? 

"Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same way." 
"I had that same thing happen to me." 
"Let me tell you what I did in a similar situation." 

We already mentioned the late Stephen Covey, whose book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People included the fifth habit, first seek to understand  He writes that most of us tend to "listen autobiographically" and then respond in one of four ways:

Evaluating: We judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing: We ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising: We give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting: We analyze others' motives and behaviors based on our own experiences.

Each of these points to a variant of the roadblocks to good listening.

We brainstormed onto a white board again:

• judging
• lecturing
• interrupting
• following own agenda
• telling own stories
• answering/texting on cellphone
• dismissing

We added to these some others that get in the way of deep connection:

1. Advising - which takes away the power of problem solving from the mentoree:  Here's what I think you should do... Let me suggest... Here's the best solution...
2. One-upping - which devalues the mentoree's experience by focusing on something autobiographical: You think that’s bad; let me tell you about my husband..... I felt like that when I won the National Talent Quest...
3. Educating - logic is an good problem-solving tool, but when it is used to block communication it can make the one with the problem feel inferior, or inadequate: Do you realize that... ? Experience tells us that ...   I can recommend a really good book...
4. Analysing - getting to the root of a problem can be helpful, but going too quickly to an underlying motivation circumvents communication that could help the mentoree find their own solution: You are just angry..... You're being paranoid....You have internalized your father’s rages so that any raised voice triggers that old fear.
5. Storytelling - wandering off into personal nostalgia takes the focus off the context at hand: I felt so much worse than that when I overdosed in 1972....Did I ever tell you what I did when my husband came home drunk? 
6. Minimising- communicates to the mentoree that their situation is not as important as they think it is. This blocks the energy for problem solving: Try not to think about it too much....Look at the positive side..... Well, at least he doesn’t hit you the way your father did.
7. Sympathising -  sharing similar feelings, especially in matters of grief and loss, can add to the burden: Oooh that is a horrible way to die... I feel frightened when I hear how angry he gets.
8. Interrogating -takes the problem out of the mentoree's hands and tells them that you are the expert and now in charge:  Why did you do that? So how often does she go into one of those rages? 
9. Reassuring - unrealistic attempts to console and make someone feel better (as compared with genuine affirmation of their strengths): You'll feel better tomorrow....Don't worry God will take care of it...Every dark cloud has a silver lining.
10. Avoiding  - some things do seem to fall into the too-hard basket  but evasion just buries the problem:  This topic is upsetting; let’s talk about something else... You'll soon grow out of feeling like that.
11. Diagnosing - the mentor tells the person what the problem is and how they should be  acting, limiting their ability to sort through the problem themselves: It sounds like you have become codependent... You need to change your thinking about anger...
12. Judging - labelling with messages of disparagement and ridicule are a significant barrier to empowering someone to grow as a person: You really stuffed up on this one.....Someone is a perfectionist....You are talking like an engineer.

Covey notes that some might respond, "Hey, now wait a minute. I'm just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?" In some situations, he says, autobiographical responses may be appropriate, eg, when another person specifically asks for your point of view. But what we mustn't do is interrupt with what we feel or think about the topic. We wait for them to ask our opinion, and even then avoid giving direct advice. We let the mentoree find his or her own way. (If they take our advice and something goes wrong, they will likely blame us, maybe without saying so!)

We summed up this session by looking at a handout on "How to Kill a Conversation": 

• Tell the speaker that the way he or she feels is wrong. “It’s silly to feel that way.”
• Don’t look at the person who is speaking to you.
• Sit slouched over, look distracted, drum your fingers on the table, or use some other body language to signal to the speaker that you’re not really interested.
• While the person is speaking, think about what you’re going to say in reply. It’s not possible to be forming your own words and concentrating on the speaker’s at the same time—so the response you’re planning is unlikely to be very useful.
• Be judgmental and challenging. Ask questions that put your mentoree on the spot: “Why didn’t you do better on the test?” “Why did you say that to her?” “How could you possibly think that?”
• Interrupt the person who is talking. Finish his or her sentences. Tell a long story of your own. (though self disclosure is sometimes appropriate) 
• On the phone – be totally silent, tap your keyboard, or do the dishes.

It is clear that all these obstacles are based on the mentor mistakenly putting their own agenda and needs before that of the mentoree. We reiterated the pattern of Focus, Guess and Check that we had learned earlier (see post 10). 

a. Focus  -  Clear your mind of distractions, agendas, and preconceived ideas. Notice your mentoree’s facial expression, gestures and body language as well as their choice of words. Acknowledge that you are listening by using minimal encouragers - nods, uhum - and          using open-ended questions, like how, why? to demonstrate "respectful curiosity"

b. Guess  - read between the lines to identify underlying feelings,  then paraphrase (restate in your own words) what you think they said, and what feeling was being expressed. Eg ‘you seem sad’. If you have noticed body language, describe it – 'you seem tearful at that idea', 'what was that sigh about?' Try not to pass judgment in loaded questions or your own body language.

c. Check out your understanding by listening to or watching the person’s response. If they seem disappointed or irritated, you may have got it wrong. That’s okay. Make that explicit – 'I don’t seem to have picked that up right' - and ask for clarification. You are trying to stand in their shoes. After a longer conversation try and give a brief summary of what has been expressed. This lets them know you are really interested.

Effective mentoring is about true listening  not just to the words but to the person behind the words.  

In a future post we'll look at The Crowded Room, or the prior concerns and expectations  we take into a mentoring conversation. We need to both recognise and ignore this 'mental baggage', and that is quite an elusive skill.  We may also revisit the session on "How religious should we be, in regards to  appropriate use of the Bible and other faith resources, so as to avoid pat answers and trite theology.  

Quote of the Day:

 “Easy listening exists only on the radio.” 

(David Barkan)

Which of the roadblocks do you recognise as your idiosyncratic weakness?

If you don't know, who could you ask to help you identify it?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

10. Being a Good Listener

We began this session with an old but very funny video clip from the Two Ronnies. It underlines the fact that you can both be speaking the same language but be talking past each other, eg asking for "Fork Handles" was heard as "Four Candles". But sensitive, empathetic, concentrated listening, to discover what people are really trying to communicate, is essential in an effective mentoring relationship (John Mallison, p29) 

In his popular book  Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,  Stephen Covey lists Habit 5 as Seek first to Understand.  He says: 

"If you're like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you're listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating."

Seek first not to be understood, but to understand.We will never understand unless we listen well. Interestingly most of the parables of Jesus conclude with the refrain “Let anyone who has ears, listen.” Each of the letters to the seven churches in the book of Revelation ends with "Anyone who has ears, listen to what the spirit is saying." And the letter of James says “Let everyone be quick to listen and slow to speak.” what food advice. We have two ears and one mouth. Jesus' parable of the sower stresses that the seeds that failed to grow stood for those who had not properly heard God's message. 

Personal growth often comes about because we experience this kind of listening. Mallison says "When someone gives us their undivided attention while we are speaking, and then through their thoughtful feedback prove they have understood what we have said, we are made to feel significant. We feel we matter to this person and they care about us and love us. When we really hear another person without passing judgement or trying to take responsibility, without trying to mould them, it relaxes them, builds confidence and trust and enables the release of deep feelings, despair and confusion. It enables a person to re-perceive their world in a new way."  

We brainstormed on to the whiteboard the important aspects of good listening, often called active listening. Here are the kind of responses we heard:

• user-friendly environment - think about noise, light, seating position, personal space.
• body language - receptive posture, eye contact, natural gestures, nodding
• open questions - invite the mentoree to say more than a one word answer, eg not did you go to the gym today but how is it going with the fitness plan?  
• encouragers - mmms and aaaahs, yeah, okay - these show emotional support. Use words that will invite them to continue: Tell me more, Let's talk about it.
• paraphrases - put what they said in your own words to test understanding and let them know they have been heard. Doesn't necessarily mean you agree; said with an 'implied question mark'.
• perception check  - is a more explicit way of doing this. "I think  I heard this; is that what you said/meant?"
• read between the lines: - be alert for things that have been left unsaid or for cues to the speaker's true feelings. Naming/clarifying those feelings is important in good listening 
• description - noticing behaviour such as tears, sighs, sitting forward on chair
• mirroring - adopting body postures, positions and movements that are similar to the speaker allow them to relax and open up more. Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person.
• affirmation - give positive feedback, but not to the point it sounds patronising.
• summary - especially at end of session, clarifies and integrates what has been covered
• allow for silence - this is often thinking time for the mentoree

That last point is picked up in an online article about Being a Good Listener.  The contributors say: "Stop talking!....One of the biggest obstacles to listening, for many people, is resisting the impulse thoughts. Many listeners think that empathy means sharing our own similar experiences. Both of these can be helpful, but they are easily abused. Put aside your own needs, and wait for the other person to talk at their own pace... active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily, and await appropriate breaks in the conversation for summarizing. "

An out of print training resource I have on my shelf uses this little trinity: Focus Guess and Check. (Cynthia Mellon, Friends and Beginnings, p) 

1. Focus – on the person, not on your mental baggage. Use few words sparingly.
2. Guess – after listening carefully, try and express your own idea of their underlying feelings.
3. Check  - their words and reactions to see if you have got it right. Use ‘I’ messages.
   If not, say so. Try again or ask for clarification.

Another way of saying this is "Make it Explicit!" Read between the lines and then describe what you think you have observed. If you are wrong they will tell you, verbally or in body language. Summarising what the speaker is saying and restating it in your own words  will reassure them that you have truly been listening, and allow them to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions.  Focus Guess and check is a good strategy to use  when the mentor finds themselves getting frustrated or restless. 

Our next session looked at Roadblocks to Communication - what not to do!

Quote of the Day:

A wise old owl lived in an oak, 

The more he saw the less he spoke

The less he spoke the more he heard.

Why can't we all be like that wise old bird? 

(unknown)

How good a listener are you right now? 
What steps could you take to develop a more helpful approach?

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape. 

9. Qualities of a Good Mentor

I have been blessed over sixty plus years to have some amazing people contribute to my life and leadership. My parents Bill and Tui, teachers like Miss Shirley Hansen, pastors like the late Owen Baragwaneth, and my nana Vera Maclennan. As an adult I have received encouragement and advice from counsellors, colleagues, and my brother Simon who is a minister down-country.  A brief example: once, when I was applying for a job before I ended up in the one I'm in now, I was downhearted at the requirement in the job description that the successful candidate be someone innovative. I am a cautious and responsible person and didn’t see myself as innovative.  But because Si had observed me at work over many years, he was able to point out a number of innovations I had led at my last church, never in a hurry but some of them quite radical. I now see innovation as one of my strengths, purely because of that mentoring conversation.

When we identify the Christian leaders who have had a positive influence on us - relatives, friends, teachers, leaders, ministers, we can usually name some qualities they have in common. Our group came up with this list: 

• availability 
• integrity
• grace
• good listener
• wisdom
• supportive
• understanding. 

In his chapter "What it Takes" in Mentoring to Develop Disciples and Leaders, Mallison adds in:

• Passionate - zealous and committed. If we find mentoring feels like a burden, perhaps it is not for us.
• Relational - able to develop rapport, and be interested and concerned with the mentoree as a person.
• Affirming, that is, believing in their mentoree and willing to tell them so. Even failures can be turned into genuine learning experiences.
• Open and Transparent - able to act with integrity and speak with authenticity. This enables them to ask the tough questions when needed.
• Trusting and Trustworthy, following up on commitments and able to keep confidences.
• Available - timing of face to face meetings should be agreed in advance but often there is a verbal agreement that the mentoree may phone or email when struggling with a difficult issue.
• Competent - in the areas in which the mentoree wants to grow. A person experienced in the business world may help a young adult with their career. An older mum may help a new parent with issues of child care. A minister with wide preaching experience may review a new pastor's sermons with a view to identifying their strengths and enhancing their skills. 
• Christ Centred and Prayerful - although as covered in Post  6, this will often be implicit rather than openly spoken about.

This is quite intimidating!  But Mallison, in another chapter, writes of having an adequate idea of God, whom he sees as the Great Mentor,  and a "sane estimate" of ourselves. This phrase comes from a verse in Romans,  where Paul is giving the believers advice about Christian living. 

"Don't cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance, 

but try to have a sane estimate of your capabilities..." 

(Rom. 12:3, Phillips)

A great mentor will not be overconfident but humble and teachable, having a “sane estimate” of their strengths. None of us can exhibit all the qualities named above; God uses wounded servants,  and by grace the dynamic in mentoring is both giving and receiving. Mallison notes two  important tensions:

1. We are both Image Bearers, who reflect God’s character, and can be channels of his grace, and Flawed, because of sin's impact on humanity, individually and together.
2. We are both Wounded,  by the brokenness of our world, and Healers, because being "in Christ" brings salvation and hope. 

These should help us have a truly sane estimate of ourselves.

Quote of the Day:

"Prayer leads you to see new paths and to hear new melodies in the air.

Prayer is the breath of your life which gives you freedom to go and to stay where you wish and to find the many signs which point out the way to a new land. 

Praying is not simply some necessary compartment in the daily schedule of a Christian or a source of support in time of need, nor is it restricted to Sunday mornings or mealtimes. Praying is living. It is eating and drinking, action and rest, 

teaching and learning, playing and working. 

Praying pervades every aspect of our lives. 

It is the unceasing recognition that God is wherever we are, 

always inviting us to come closer 

and to celebrate the divine gift of being alive. 

(Henri Nouwen, With Open Hands)

Try to recall a few Christian leaders who have had a positive influence on you  - relatives, friends, teachers, leaders, ministers, and more.  Name them out loud, and be thankful. Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.

8. Faith-based Mentoring

Is Mentoring only for Christians? No!  

The Mentor Training events for which this blogspot is an archive were the result of a partnership between two Baptist Churches. The first two cohorts of trainees were recruited from the two Christian congregations and were all followers of Jesus. The text we have used was written by an Australian Methodist minister, and many of the additional training materials we have used have been sourced from Christian organisations such as Faith Centred Mentoring and InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. However we have also sourced helpful articles from a wide range of secular groups including Big Brothers/Big Sisters, Education Departments,  medical practitioner mentors, and Peer Support organisations. The wisdom of mentoring is certainly not confined to the faith community.

However Mallison includes in his book and slides a number of references to  “Christ-centered people-helping” and even goes so far as to claim it is a "foundational quality for Christian mentoring" (MDDL p 64). What does he mean? Is mentoring  the same as discipleship training? How do we balance respect for the other with our own integrity? So in our first training session we asked, "How religious should we be?" (Note: boundaries will come up again in a later post, relating to Part Three of our Course, so this is just an initial foray). 

Our leader for this teaching slot, John, made some distinctions between mentoring and discipling. The latter of course is when a more mature Christian is helping a new follower of Jesus learn about the faith, and how to practise the disciplines of the Christian life. But our mentoree may or may be a committed follower of Christ. They may be a seeker on a journey of discovery  or they may show antipathy, or simply not care. In those cases, they will not understand much about Jesus, the Bible or faith, they will not be familiar with what Christians do together,  such as praying,  and they could have quite different priorities of life from their mentor. In this context, we asked, who sets the agenda and the themes to be covered? 

We were agreed that ultimately the client - the mentoree - is the focus, and their priorities will have the major influence on directions and goals. That said, part of a mentor's task is to stretch their client, and help them discover their strengths and maximise their growth. That may include a blossoming awareness of the spiritual dimensions to life and living. John noted six points where the mentor's spirituality could come into play: 

1. Discovering our Potential takes on an extra dimension when we understand that it is God's potential we seek.  God looks on the heart, and can see beauty and hope where we just see brokenness and flaws. 
2. Our understanding of Spiritual Gifts also brings an awareness of untapped areas of usefulness as well as an acknowledgement of our limitations.
3. The undergirding of prayer is hugely important in a mentoring relationship, but we have to sensitively think through how it can work. In some situations the Christian practice of spoken prayer will be utterly inappropriate.  What then to do? Certainly we can pray for our mentoree privately, before and after the session.  If our mentor knows we pray, we can ask them for prayer topics that we can bring to God later. They may even be willing for us to pray for them at the end of the session, as long as they know they don't have to contribute.  In all of this we can ourselves pray for discernment, for wisdom, insight and  freedom from spiritual oppression.
4. Christian hope is founded on the Easter Story, the truth that God can change lives and bring life out of death. That firm belief in God's transforming power is a resource we carry deep within us as followers of Jesus.
5. We also have our own story  and can tell it in appropriate ways at the appropriate time. Mentorees are not there to be preached to, but when they see and wonder, we may have the opportunity to tell something of our own faith journey, and the "reason for our hope". 
6. John's favourite verse and one we hark back to often in our faith community, is found in Colossians 1: 26 - 27. "The mystery that has been hidden throughout the ages and generations but has now been revealed to his saints. …  is Christ in you, the hope of glory.”  The treasure in our human "jars of clay" is the risen Christ, who is present in Holy Spirit power in every mentoring conversation, whether made explicit or not.  That is great cause for confidence.

Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15: 5)  The flip side of that with Christ we can be different and can make a difference.  There is more that could be said about "Christ-Centred People Helping", perhaps in acknowledging world views, the theology of sin and the reality of spiritual warfare, but  not in this post. We can, and perhaps should, say that where both mentor and mentoree are comfortable with explicit faith language and concerns, the relationship is deepened and enriched. This is true discipling, and can usefully employ many of the skills introduced in this training programme. 

Quote of the Day: 

"We think that over the ages, Christ’s version of Discipling has often been reduced to 

“small-d discipling.” Believers’ attention has wandered, and discipling has often been watered down to reluctant pairs tentatively plodding through workbooks and lessons while avoiding many of the issues, pains, and passions of each other’s lives. By adopting the term “Christ-centered mentoring,” we want to re-establish the importance of Christ’s original intention and vision to transform His followers’ lives in every aspect."

(Brian and Linda Jones, Californian psychologists and founders of The Mentoring Group) 

Have you thought about the sensitive issue of how "religious" to be in a mentor situation? 
How can you rely on God's presence and power whether it is made explicit or not? 

Godshaped Mentoring is the site where Rev Viv records material shared in the Mentor Training events held in a partnership between two Baptist Churches in Auckland New Zealand in 2012 and 2013. The blog has been set up to ensure people who missed some aspect of of the training can catch up on the themes covered and skills taught, and so we can add insights and feedback as the programme takes shape.